Back to normality?

Chapter 55

With the pizza consumed, Michelle heading off to see Tom and Matilda settled in bed, Carla and Peter were sat on the sofa; with them facing each other, one leg each propped up, the blanket kept them warm.

"Let's get everything out in the open; I don't want any secrets to come between us again" she said, wanting them to be honest with each other, mo matter how hard it may be to hear.

"Okay"

"You promise you haven't had a drink?"

"I promise"

"Not that I'd blame you, I'm kinda a full time job right now" she said, playing with her hands.

"Carla, on Matilda's life, I haven't touched a drop since before Carlisle" he promised, taking her hand in his.

"But you felt the need to?"

"Not really; the last eighteen months or so, I have been so focused on making sure you were okay and looking after our family that somewhere along the way, I forgot to look after myself and the minute I stopped to think, the urge was there"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You've had enough to deal with, especially the last couple of weeks; you've been so clingy and...depressed, I didn't think you'd be able to cope if I told you I was struggling as well"

"Shouldnt that have been up to me though to decide?"

"You're right and I'm sorry I didn't tell you"

"I don't like how I feel right now or that I'm putting that pressure on you; it seems like all I do lately is depend on you more and more and take you for granted" 

"Love, if this psychosis has taught us anything, it's not to take anything for granted and every day, I'm so, so grateful I still have you, here and healthy and happy, even if it isn't all the time"

"That doesn't make this any easier, if anything it makes it harder; knowing i should be living every day to the full and making the most of it but half the time, I don't have the energy to get up and fight. Everytime I finally feel stable and level headed, something knocks me back down again and I'm tired Peter, I'm tired of pretending and just getting through each day; Scott says this is just the tail end of a trigger but I don't know anymore"

"What is it that we've always said from day one? Having a bad day doesn't mean you're not coping or you're relapsing"

"It's not just one bad day though, is it? It's been two weeks..." she sighed, rubbing her eyebrow with the back of her hand.

"I know this has been a bad time and if I could take it away, I would in a heartbeat but...I don't know what else to suggest; seeing you hurting and upsetting yourself over this, it's hurting me too"

"I don't want you putting that pressure all onto your shoulders; I know I need to try and snap out of it and maybe Michelle is right, this break will be the thing to do it but I don't want me to be the cause of you relapsing again. It was bad enough knowing I caused it last time..."

"It wasn't your fault"

"Maybe not directly but the pressure of trying to keep me safe in the middle of an episode, it was too much; I don't want that to happen again because I'm struggling"

"It won't, I promise; you and Si and Matilda, you make staying sober worth it"

"I'll speak to Scott, get my sessions increased again, at least until I'm through it but I need you to do something for me?"

"Anything?"

"Go back to the meetings; I don't care if you go every week but I need to know you're taking care of yourself as well. I can spend more time with Michelle and Kate, even your dad or Roy; give you a break once in a while"

"We can take it a day at a time"

"No, we need to make a decision and stick to it; otherwise, I'll keep putting it off out of fear and I'll never get through it"

"Today's been a long, emotional day and you've took the first big step; admitted there's a problem and talked about it." He said, moving so he could pull Carla into his arms, her back leaning against his side as she held onto his arm.

"That's not enough; I can't explain it but the fact my results were clear should make me relieved and happy but it doesn't. It's made it worse; I'm back to doubting myself and hiding away and I don't want that. I don't want Tilly growing up, seeing her mom constantly in a state of panic and anxiety; I have to figure whatever this is, out before it gets so bad...I can't come back from it"

"You're putting way too much pressure on yourself; that itself isn't helping, forcing your mind and body to get through it before its processed whatever is going on"

"I know" she sighed, resting her head against his arm as he repositioned the blanket over her lap.

"We haven't really talked like this for a while, have we?"

"Guess not"

"You know you don't have to hide anything from me; I know you better than you know yourself Carla Connor and my love will never change for you"

"I know I've taken you for granted; expecting you to just...to carry on and look after everything. When you agreed to be my point of contact after the clinic, I bet you didn't think it would turn out like this; I guess, when I'm feeling scared and vulnerable, I like that you switch from boyfriend to carer mode in an instance. You make me feel safe; you look after me and reassure me when I'm feeling insecure"

"Sometimes it's just what you need but maybe sometimes, I do take over and that doesn't necessarily help you; we both need to take a step back and think about what is best for you. I'll always keep you safe and make you feel secure; whatever it takes to get you feeling your best again" he said, stroking her hair.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to go to the spa?" She muttered, adjusting to get more comfortable.

"It'll do you some good; spending time with Michelle and getting pampered is sure to help you relax. I'll spend the night with Si before we go away; the agent did say the cabin was free for two weeks if we wanted it so I put a deposit for the second week as well"

"I'm tired Peter" she yawned.

"I know; did you take a sleeping tablet?"

When she nodded, he kissed her hair and waited for her to drift off; when he was certain she was out for the night, he carefully lifted her into his arms and carried her to their bed, settling her down for the night.