Back to normality?

Chapter 57

Two days later, Carla was sat on the bench outside with a mug of coffee in her hands; it was lunchtime and Peter was inside, preparing lunch for when Michelle and Tom arrived. Peter and her had talked a lot the day before, about the past, bad decisions on both parts and generally, about anything Carla was thinking about; in doing so, her mind had felt a lot clearer when she'd woken up that morning. For the first time in weeks, she truly felt like she could get over this mini-episode; seeing an unfamiliar car driving up the dusty path, she held her breath before realising it was just her best friend and her partner. Settling the mug on the window still, she smiled and made her way down to the car as Michelle stepped out; hugging her tightly, she let her eyes close and relish in the comfort.

"Missed me that much already?!" She chuckled.

"You know I did" Carla muttered before pulling away and looking to Tom, who was stood behind Michelle, having got their cases out the boot. "Hi, thanks for coming"

"Thanks for the invite"

"Peter's making lunch, if you're hungry?" She said, looking back at Michelle.

"Lunch sounds good, where's my special girl?"

"In front of you" Carla laughed. "She's with Peter, she's missed you too"

"Anyone would think I haven't seen you in weeks, not a couple of days" Michelle smiled as they headed inside.

As predicted, Matilda's face lit up at the sight of Michelle and within seconds, was happily in her arms.

"Told you" Carla grinned, standing next to Peter.

"Peter, this is Tom; Tom, Peter" Michelle said, introducing her boyfriend.

"Nice to meet you mate" Peter said, sticking his hand out.

"Likewise" Tom replied, shaking his hand. "Need a hand?"

"Sure"

As the two men got to know each other, the two Connor women sat on the sofa, Matilda sat happily on Michelle's lap, playing with her toy.

"How you doing? You didn't answer my texts last night?" Michelle asked.

"Sorry, I fell asleep watching a film; I'm doing okay, really. We talked a lot yesterday about everything and, I don't know, things seemed...clearer afterwards"

"That's good"

"I guess I realised that, it doesn't matter what's happened in the past; I shouldn't let it affect my future by holding on to the feelings and thoughts and emotions"

"No it doesnt; if that was the case, I wouldn't get out of bed of a morning and I definitely wouldn't be as happy as I am with Tom"

"You do look happy" she agreed. "After what happened, I wasn't sure if you'd get over it"

"Yeah well...it wasn't a great time, I know that but if it hadn't have happened, i wouldn't have joined the gym" she said, bouncing Matilda on her knees. "And having this little one to spoil definitely helped...for both of us..."

"She did, my little miracle, my light at the end of a dark tunnel; that's all I have to remember, I got through the last six months trigger free. I can do it again"

"Yeah, you can" Michelle smiled, squeezing her hand as they heard Peter calling them for lunch.

With lunch out of the way, Carla and Michelle had took a walk, leaving Matilda with the guys; with hats and scarves on, they walked arm in arm across the local scenery.

"I'm glad you're here" Carla said, breaking the silence.

"Me too, told you, anytime you need me, I'll be there"

"These last two weeks or so, it's been so hard" Carla started, trying to gather her thoughts. "Trying to carry on but figure out why I felt like I did; when Ali told us the results, I don't know, something in me changed. Beforehand, I could pretend to myself I was okay and nothing was wrong and then he said there really wasn't anything wrong and...I didn't know what to think"

"And now? After getting away for a few days?"

"Like I said, it's been a help; the fresh air and been able to talk with Peter about everything. We've both been keeping things bottled up lately and it hasn't been helping either of us; I'm hoping it'll help in the long run. When we get back, I want to be there with a clear mind, knowing I can get on with things without worrying or been dependant on other people; I haven't really spent much time with anyone apart from you and Kate and Peter"

"You don't have to push yourself so soon; you're opening up to us, talking about what's troubling you, that's a start in itself"

"I know and the more I do it, the better I'll feel but it's not easy; this is me we're talking about"

"The old you, definitely, but I think having the psychosis happen, it changed you; you've opened up more, you've let us in and told us when you're having a bad day. I'm so, so proud of how far you've come Car..." Michelle said, pausing their walk to look at her friend. "While Tilly might have helped us both move on, focusing on her through the pregnancy, that is what really saved you; you don't need to force yourself to change who your are."

"It wasn't just Tilly that saved me, or Peter; you helped me so much"

"What friends do; I know things weren't very good between us before it happened but it brought us closer together. We've always had each others backs" she said as they carried on walking in the direction of the tea room Carla liked so much.

"I did things I'm not proud of, things that hurt you and caused endless worry and stress for Peter; things that I regret doing or not doing and if I could go back and do things again, I'd so it differently"

"But the things you did, you did as a result of the psychosis; without it, you probably wouldn't have slept with Robert or Ali or ignored Gary's warnings. The sane, rational you would've told him to do the work and figured the money out later; I know this depression has opened up some memories and feelings for you but it wasn't your fault, any of it. It really is time to stop blaming yourself all the time; it's in the past so let's just focus on the future, eh?"

"Together?"

"Always" Michelle smiled, resting her head on Carla's shoulder.