Back to normality?

Chapter 45

When Michelle let herself into the flat the next morning, she found Carla, curled up on the sofa, blanket over herself with a mug of tea in her hand; smiling, she sat next to her and pulled her into a hug.

"Where's Peter and Matilda?" She asked, stroking Carla's hair when the brunette didn't move from the embrace.

"Gone for a walk; Tilly was a bit unsettled this morning"

"How are you feeling? You've got some of your colour back"

"I'm okay"

"No plans for the day?"

"No, just resting"

"Bad night?" She asked, sensing Carla was retreating into herself with her limited answers.

"Not really; head's all over the place"

"Tablets?"

"Yeah; why are you here?" She asked, finally sitting up to look at her.

"Checking on you; it's been a hard week for you"

"Nothing I can't handle" she said, getting up and walking over to the kitchen to make Michelle a coffee.

"You don't have to do it alone though; Peter and I are here too"

"I don't want to keep relying on you two" she admitted, pouring the water into the cup. "I've tried so hard the last six months and I've been fine; I've been getting on with life and working and looking after Tilly. Everytime I try and move on, it all comes flooding back, the paranoia, the emotions, the feelings of uselessness and helpless; I go back to been anxious and nervous all the time and I can't stand it anymore"

Slamming the kettle back down with a thud, she leant against the counter, forward facing with both her hands firmly planted down; sighing, she took a moment to take a deep breath before finishing the coffee and passing it to Michelle as she retook her seat.

"Talk to me?" Her friend asked, concerned for her mental well-being.

"I'm fed up of it Michelle; I'm fed up of just getting by each day. I want to feel normal again; I spend every morning, waiting for the bloody medication to kick in so i can get on with whatever I want to do"

"That medication is what's stopping you from having anymore psychotic episodes"

"I know" she sighed, heavily as she rested her head on her proper up arm resting on the back of the sofa. "I know it's keeping me safe and sane but sometimes...I wish I could just skip it, just once"

"You wouldn't though, would you?" She asked with concern.

"I haven't skipped one yet"

"I know but given your state of mind right now, I'm worried about what you might do"

"I'm not gonna do something stupid"

"Maybe not intentionally but Carla, the way you're feeling, it's normal to be down and depressed but we don't want you to spiral downwards again"

"So what am I meant to do then?! Just give in and pretend every day I'm okay and happy and loving life?!"

"Come on, you have a beautiful baby girl who loves you to the moon and back; you back with the man you love, engaged. You're back running a business; you have everything to be grateful for."

"You think I don't know that already?! Michelle, I hate how I feel right now; I abandoned my daughter on Christmas Day, I tried to have a drink, I ran away and all these emotions aren't just gonna go away because you say it'll be okay!" She vented, releasing all the pent up emotions from the last few days.