JOURNEY || JinKook ☑️

ONE - SEVEN YEARS

Ken, it's been seven years. How are you? Are you okay up there? I'm still mourning for you. The grief seems to never cease. I'm sorry if I'm weak. The wound you left seems to never heal. I can't see any signs that I can move on from you. It still feels like yesterday since you left me, broken.

You left a little piece of you, our Soobin. Guess what? He's growing really fast. He is smart and incredibly healthy. I wish you're here to admire the handsome kid we have created. He looks like me but his eyes are yours. And I am thankful because it feels like I'm still looking in your eyes through him.

Taehyung said I should move on and find someone new but it's so hard. It may sound weird and crazy but I'm still hoping that you will come back. Can you come back for me, Ken? One more time?

I have a lot of what-ifs and maybes. What it my mom did not interfere? What if she's in favor of our relationship and did not threaten you and drive you away? What if I took enough courage and told you right away that I'm in love with you? What if I learned early that you're pregnant with my child?

Maybe you will not suffer alone. Maybe I was able to find you sooner. Maybe we were able to find out about your illness sooner. Maybe we were able to find a cure sooner. Maybe you're still here with me.

I hate this feeling of too many regrets. I think I abandoned you. I always question myself, where am I when you needed me the most? I think I am so stupid about not finding you sooner.

I wish I can hug you a little bit more. I wish I can kiss you a little bit longer. And make love with you each and every day. But life is like that, I cannot get whatever I want. There are things that weren't meant to be and you and I were one of them.

But it's over and you're gone. I cannot turn back the hands of time. Like what you said, life pass by too fast. Learn to appreciate each and every journey. Always see the brightest and hope for the best. Maybe at my next stop on this bus ride, I'll get to meet the right person who will accompany me on my journey called life.

"Ken is smiling back at you," Taehyung said as he touched Ken's niche before putting his arm on my shoulders. "He wants you to be happy too."

I smiled. I wish I am as strong as Taehyung. Maybe that's our difference, he is emotionally and mentally stronger than me.

"I wish I have the strength to let him go. I wish I am as strong as you. I wish I have a best friend whom I can marry just like you," I uttered and it made me cry again. "I sometimes wonder if he's really happy. Or he just said that because he doesn't want us to worry."

"Hyung, it's been seven years. Ken will never say that if he's not happy. He's happy because we're okay. Soobin is okay. And he wants you to be okay. Right? Why don't you try dating? Ken never said that you're not allowed to date or to be in a relationship again." Taehyung looked at me with a smile. I love how he looks at things positively.

"I tried. It never works out. Maybe because I'm still looking for Ken. I don't know. It's weird. But I think I can live without dating or having someone to accompany me. I'm okay." I said. Maybe Ken is frowning at me.

"Maybe it's not yet time." He tapped my shoulder. "Let's go, Jihoon and Soobin are excited to play. I'm sure they are giving Jimin a hard time."

Taehyung walked out. I touched Ken's niche one more time. Tracing his name made of bronze with my index finger. For the past seven years, I've been doing this and I think I already memorize the curves and ends of his name.  "I miss you, babe. I hope heaven will send another you for me. I love you. I'll be back again next week."

It has been our routine every Saturday to visit Ken's resting place, have lunch then go home so our kids can play together.

My boyfriend Ken died of stomach cancer seven years ago. Just a few months after giving birth to our son, Soobin.

Ken was a stripper and I am a client. I met him at a stag party. I took him out and we slept together. A supposed to be one-night stand turned into a regular meet up. I asked him to work for me exclusively. I learned that he needed the money to finish his degree and pay for his rent. I offered financial help but he refused. He wanted to work for money and not accept it as a gift or donation.

Soon, I fell in love with him. But fate had other plans for us. My mom, being against my relationship with him threatened him and drove him away. He went into hiding, scared for his life and the life of our child. I swore I looked for him everywhere but when I found him, it's too late. That's the only time I learned that he was pregnant with my child and he was dying of cancer.

"We cannot stay late, hyung. Jimin needs to look for an apartment." Taehyung said as we watch our kids play in the living area of my apartment.

"Apartment? You guys are transferring?"

Taehyung shakes his head, smiling. "No. His best friend is coming home from London and needs a place to stay."

"I see. Soobin told me he wants to live with Jihoon because he wants to play all day long." I laughed thinking about Soobin pleading.

"That's why you need to look for a partner." Taehyung insisted again but I'm not yet open for another relationship.

"Easier said than done."

"Because you don't want to try." Taehyung countered. "Soobin is already seven. Ken's father is always out of town. Soobin has been living like a ball seven years of his life. Bouncing from Ken's father to our parent's house. You need someone you can build your future with. Someone who will look after Soobin and your future kids. Someone who will help you pick up the pieces and put them back again."

"But Ken is --"

"Ken is different? Of course. No one is like Ken. If you will keep looking for Ken to others, there's no chance that you can move on. Come on!

Moving on doesn't mean you will stop loving him. He already occupies a special place in your heart. But you also need to move forward. You read the letter he left. He wanted you to continue your life. He was anticipating that somewhere, you will meet someone. You know why? Because he cares for you. He doesn't want you to be lonely. Because he wants you to be happy.

Think about it Hyung. If Ken is looking at you right now, I'm pretty sure that he's sad and worried. And I know you don't want that. Right?"

***

This chapter is just a background for those wasn't able to read Bus Ride. You don't need to read that book if you don't feel like reading it.

Join me in JK's journey.

💜💜

#EGOisComing