JOURNEY || JinKook ☑️

TWENTY TWO - PRIDE

Note:

I know we all have different opinions about being a parent but I'm writing this based on my perspective/experience as a mom of an autistic child. So this book is very special to me. Truly, being a parent is a struggle, what more if your child has a disability.

I'm not shy to admit. I am proud of him. I am saying this to increase awareness. Like what I always say, let's treat people with love and kindness.

Let's love one another. I love you all.

And no, Soobin is not under ASD here. 😊

****

Jungkook

Jin is smiling timidly during our lunch. I know it's more of a forced smile but at least, he's smiling.

I cannot blame him, losing someone we love is definitely a very painful feeling. More so, a child. I am there too. I can't say that I've been there because I'm still there. There where Ken left me. Broken. Unhealed.

Now I understand why he cares for Soobin a lot. Certainly, he cares for all his students. They are all about his son's age. Perhaps, Soobin got his special attention because of my shortcomings as a father. Something that he is so frustrated about.

"I'm sorry if I took it all wrong. I am planning to stop teaching when my son died but I realized, that's the only way I can be a parent again." Jin smiles but the pain behind it is more dominant. His eyes cannot lie.

"You're perfectly doing that with Soobin." I carefully put down my fork and wave my hand to explain what I mean. "Please don't get me wrong. What I mean is, Soobin improved a lot because of you. Most of your students probably loves you like Soobin does. You're a great teacher Jin. Believe me."

He rolled his eyes at me with his lips pouted in maximum. "Liar! You're only saying that to make me feel good. I know I almost turned my back from Soobin."

I chuckled. He hasn't changed. He's still very hard to please. "You just said the truth. I fucked up. It's true. I just thought you're being too much."

"That's why you kicked me out of your car."

"I'm sorry." I acknowledge my fault. He already apologized for acting that way I think it's my time. "There are things that one person cannot admit. And it will be harder when heard from other people. Truth hurts you know."

He looks at me with pity in his eyes.

"Please don't look at me that way. I know it's been seven-years but I keep on refusing to move on. But when I saw Soobin yesterday, happy and excited, I realized that there's really life after Ken."

"There's no greater joy than being a parent, Jungkook. It is full of responsibility but very fulfilling." Jin said, his fingers tightly gripping on his fork.

"Slowly I'll get there. I am just very shy to admit but the reason why I want you to be always around Soobin is because I am afraid to fail.

I know I've never been a real father to him. Then after you rant on me, here I am trying so hard to be one. My pride had been stepped on by someone I do not even know so I need to do something. I don't want to embarrass my self more.

Seeing him happy and improving with you brought me hope and fear at the same time. Hope that he will continue being a happy kid. And fear that once you're not around, he will regress.

When you did not come with us yesterday, I am so worried. I am nervous about how I will take care of him. How can I keep up with him? It feels like I didn't know him. You know the feeling when it's your first day in school? That's exactly how I am feeling yesterday.

I am afraid to try being a father, I'm afraid I'm not doing it right. But Soobin made it easy for me. I think it's also because you've thought him to be a good boy. I let him do whatever he wants. I just guide him and watch after him and the joy in his eyes was inexplicable. Perhaps, being a father is an instinct. I may be late in realizing those but the attachment is there. Because no matter how much I fucked up, I'm still his father and he's still part of me."

At last, Jin looks satisfied. Did I say the words correctly? Did I say everything right? Based on his smile, I think I did.

Our brunch ended well. I saw him opening the Uber app. "Do you want to meet my nephew Jihoon? And Jimin will be very happy to see you."

He looks shocked by the invitation. "But Soobin is angry with me."

I laughed. How can he be afraid of a little boy? "Soobin is certainly not mad at you. You have a cake, right? The kids will be really happy if you will eat it with them. I guess Haneul will be very happy as well."

Jin is skeptical about coming with me but in the end, he gave up. I'm not sure of his reasons but I'm hoping it's just because he's worried that Soobin is mad at him for not coming with us in Everland.

***

A day before Jungkook
brought a rose for Jin's son:

"That's so ungentlemanly for you to kick him out of your car!" Jimin screamed at me, throwing a bag of chips on my face. No wonder why he and Jin are best friends. They have the same attitude.

After I brought Soobin in Everland, we decided to have our dinner at Taehyung's home. Soobin's happiness extends as he will have some playtime with his cousin.

Taehyung just laughed. I wonder how he managed to live with Jimin. Fiery and noisy. Like Jin.

"Hyung, Jin was just spitting facts, wasn't he? Now tell me, it hurts twice as much right?" I can't believe Taehyung will side at Jin. He is Jimin's best friend, no wonder.

"We've been telling you to straighten your shit up. You're a matured man. You're a father to a seven-year-old adorable boy. It's hard to be a parent but who else will parent Soobin? It hurts to hear from others how much you fucked up, right? That's the reason why we've been very persistent in reminding you. We don't want other people to judge you." Taehyung explained and it's true. Jin hurt my pride.

"He lost his son two years ago, are you aware?" Jimin but in and I nod. "I'm glad that you're aware. He loves kids. Perhaps that's the reason why he's annoyed at you. Maybe he wanted you to comprehend how lucky you are for having a child.

I don't have the guts to discuss it with him. I always remind Taehyung not to mention anything about his engagement ring, he is very sensitive regarding that. I know he should not have ranted his disappointments to you but perhaps, it's too much for him."

Why is it too hard for me to accept that I failed as a father?

"I will say this again, Ken died seven years ago. Seven years, hyung. It's okay to grieve but by now, you should already have found happiness. Even a little of it. Soobin is a reminder that Ken once exists. Just take care of the only tangible thing that he left for you."