she's mine.

93

The next few days went by slow and quiet. But not the good kind of quiet, it was the drowning sense of quiet that made you lose all your senses. Everything suddenly felt as if it were under water. The days blurred and everything around me became background noise.

I hadn't felt this way since months after my father's death. I had been through so many emotions that my body finally gave up on all of them.. even the good ones. I couldn't handle them anymore. I stopped screaming, stopped crying, stopped being angry, but without intention, I stopped smiling too.

I was grateful for the sudden numbness from the pain, but with that came the same numbness to the happiness that had once coursed through my veins.

I didn't go to class. Not the first three days, but by the time Thursday rolled around Jonny and my mother decided they had enough. Part of me wished that Jordan would find us already and give us an excuse to get out of this awful town. I would have begged to leave or even made up some story about how Jordan told me they were here, but I didn't have the energy anymore.

"Rai, you can't miss anymore school," Jonny tried to desperately control his voice. I had been ignoring him for the last few days. Refusing to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. I didn't acknowledge any of them.

My mother practically begged me to listen to what Jonny had to say, to listen to the whole story on how Eli pretended he loved me all the whole knowing he had been apart of my father's murder.

I just shook my head and walked to my room every time.

I knew I was being cruel. I knew they didn't deserve any of this, but I didn't have any energy to handle anything else. Not right now.

I had heard what I needed to hear, and anymore would only send me spiraling out even further. I needed to think- actually I needed to stop thinking. I needed to settle and rest and find some sort of peace in this.

I wish I had my father. I wish I had him to talk to me in that logical tone making me step out of my crumpling world, but I didn't have that anymore.

I think that's when I became numb the first time. When it finally hit me, when I woke up one day and realized all those beautiful and blissful memories of him coming home from work or lecturing us of everything under the moon with a touch of his wit at the end of every single one, were just that- memories.

That's all they ever would be now.

I realized I needed to step into a new stage, a stage without my father, where before I had be hanging onto every last thread of the life I had with him.

I remember looking into the mirror and realizing I looked different. I realized my hair was longer, my cheeks were slimmer, and my hips were wider. I was growing up.. and my dad wasn't here to see it.

I remember I didn't cry. I just stared with the most bleak face I'd ever worn. I just stared before dressing myself and walking out of the bathroom.

From then on I just didn't care, not for a long tome at least, too long. I went through the motions. I became distant with my friends, I pushed them away. I slept 3/4's of my days away- I mean you can't be sad when you're sleeping right?

It was bad. I had thrown myself fully into the worst mindset a teenager could possibly have. I just stopped caring, about everything.

And now, here I am again. My hair was in a loose bun, I put on makeup and a sweater. I didn't look grungy nor did I get dressed up. I didn't want attention one way or the other. I made my way down stairs only making quick eye contact with Jonny in the kitchen to let him know I was ready before I walked out of the house and to the truck.