derek's poems

Untitled Part 77

god im so fucking exhausted

from falling out of touch with myself

and falling into love with you

and it's not your fault

i just can't handle it

too many things going on

in my brain and in my body

i can't even write a song

without getting off track

and getting off topic

so i tried to combat my lack

of emotional competence

with knowledge

and im hella smart but

at the same time im fucking stupid

and my brain doesn't match

my body im so incongruent

and my attention span lasts

about three and a half seconds

and i can't get through my math

homework without crying and stressing

because ive read the same damn sentence

15 times in a row

and i can't remember what it said

or what im supposed to know

and im tired of being gay

nobody loves me anyway

life would be so much easier

if i was just fucking straight

but i just had to go and

ruin my own damn life

i know i shouldn't be ashamed

i know that i should walk in pride

but i hate myself

i hate my head

and the body that im living in

im going down

im spiraling

like a record ill spin again

around and around

until im too dizzy to see

where im going

my temp is showing

103 degrees

because it's hot and stuffy

when you're going through hell

and my momma always tells me

that im doing so well

but i don't feel like it

wish i could just love myself for once

but im not proud of my accomplishments

they make me wanna throw up

because i won these trophies

under the wrong name

in the wrong game

trying to be the same

as everyone else

it only caused me pain

i don't wanna be different

but that's just not how life works