When I was younger the niggas you brought home abused me.
You was a crack feen.
You wanted to stop.
But you was in too deep.
Got my pops locked up, the only nigga that defended me.
Some nights I went hungry while you was on the streets.
East said he got me.
But it wasn't his responsibility.
I had to get it on my own.
14 years old and trappin' to support you.
And I can't help but hold resentment.
Mommy why didn't you protect me.
You knew what he did to me.
And you hate it when I bring it up.
But I have to bring it up.
Cuz that shit tearing me up.
You blamed me...
You blamed Me!
What kind of mother are you.
Scratch that Monique, who are you?
Everyday I think about.
The way he touched me.
I still feel it.
It don't go away.
It don't go away!
That night on replay.
And believe it or not I still care about you.
Some days I hope you get better so you grandson could know about you.
You a grandmother.
But you don't care.
Found out I was pregnant and banished me.
I don't show it but that shit hurt.
I love my lil baby, his name is Mosi.
I just want the best for him.
I'm trying my best, I swear I am.
But everything happened so fast.
I wanna be a kid again but I can't cause I got a kid.
There's days when I feel trapped but I landed my self in this predicament.
I don't wanna be like you.
I'm fighting it, I swear I am.
East wants us to be a family.
But I'm broken. I love them too much to make them fall with me.
Sometimes I wonder if me and East will work.
He's a reflection of my pops, that's why I was drawn to him.
But is that what our relationship should be based off of?
I just want to let go.
To be in peace.
To be free.
Cause this Earth ain't for me.
It hurts.
Why me?
I'm sitting here questioning if god is real.
This was in his plan?
For me to be used and abused?
At this point I'm just like fuck everything.
Fuck you.
But here's just a peek of what going on inside my head.
I just wanted to show you what you did done did.
Look at what you made.
An individual that's broken, hopeless, confused and most of all:
Misunderstood
The most fucked up part about it that I still love you.
Call me stupid.
Call me dumb.
But it don't never go away.
Now am I understood?
Jay put the cap back on the pen and folded the paper small enough so that it would fit in the brown box that he kept in his closet.
This letter was an addition to others that he's made throughout the years. Even though he'll never send them out to his mother, it makes him feel slightly better to let everything out.
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Thoughts?
Update: I just started an all natural skin care business. I would greatly appreciate the support.
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It can be purchased on Etsy. Search ItalEssentialsllc and you'll find me❤️. I'll also drop the link in my bio.
