So Many Things I Want To Say

Chapter 3

As I open the door I slowly move trying to pay attention to where my feet are going. I move closer I see is feet his perfect feet, my hands start to shake. I don’t want to see him! THIS IS A DREAM! I make it to the foot of his bed.

I look at his face his eyes are swollen shut, his beautiful face is covered in cuts and bruises. His left hand is bandaged, he has a feeding tube down his throat, and most of his body is under a blanket. He looks peaceful, but there is no life left to him.

My body is frozen I can’t move. This isn’t real; It can’t be. Before I walk over to him, I’m already collapsed on the ground. My hands are shaking, tears soak my face. I want to yell and scream. Wake up! Hardin stop playing with me! I can’t stand. The nurse that walked me to his room runs in.

“Are you alright Tessa?” Her concerned voice comforts me. She bends down to lift me from the floor. “Are you alright?” She asks again, she walks me over to his bed and sits me in a chair.

“What happened? No one is telling me!" She sits down next to me.

“Mrs. Scott did not want to say anything so you could make it here without any problems.” That’s what she was worried about? I deserved to know! She holds my hand and puts it on Hardin’s right hand, his hand is so warm I feel his soft skin against mine. I’m shaking again, my heart hurts. “Hardin was on his way home from Yale when a truck ran a red light and smashed into his car.” My mouth dropped as more tears fall from my eyes. Why didn’t anyone say anything!?

“Why didn’t anyone tell me he was here?!” I’m screaming out of pain. I’m squeezing Hardin’s hand wanting him to open his eyes. The nurse looks at me her eyes become heavy.

“Truthfully Tessa, I don’t know why no one said anything.” She begins to walk away.

“I spoke to him last week… how was here for that long? And I wasn’t told.” Did he leave early?

“I’m sorry. I know he is strong there still may be hope.” She avoided my question, she leaves. He is on life support. What am I going to do? I pick up my phone to call Mrs. Scott. It rings a few times, she finally answers.

“What are the chances he will live?” That was the first thing that flew out of my mouth I couldn't hold it back. The tears are soaking my face the salt of my tears leak into my mouth. She was silent. I’m waiting for her to speak. “I’m sorry Mrs. Scott it’s just I’m so scared and I can’t lose him!” I hear her crying.

“Tessa, none of us want to watch him go… There is a slim chance he will come out of it. The doctors say it could be days that he has left unless if we decide...” she pauses “If we decide to take him off life support. If he breathes on his own then we know he has a fighting chance.” I look at his face, he has no life to him. My heart aches I don’t want to leave his side. Hardin went straight to college after high school. I am still home after he has been there for three years. He has been trying to get me to go to Yale with him. Why didn’t I just go!  I hang up with Mrs. Scott and close my eyes.

I lay my head on his chest his heart has a weak beat. I put my hand on his face.

"I'm sorry Hardin." I kiss his forehead. Before I knew it I feel asleep on his chest.

Tessa come on I have been asking you for three years now to come to Yale, you have the acceptance letter in hand and I need you to be here with me. I push the phone between my ear and shoulder. "We need this experience together." Sitting on my bed in my bed room looking at the letter on my dresser, should I go?

“I’m not ready to leave Hardin,” I run downstairs. “Are you coming home for Christmas?” I sit at the kitchen table waiting for an answer.

"I’m pretty busy this semester I was going to stay here this year, I know I can’t not see you, why don't you come see me?"  I ponder on his question.

"Hardin we can't do that to our parent's they would want us both home for Christmas."

I plead and beg for him to come home until he agreed. I am still mad at him for what happened even though I shouldn't be mad I'm not his girlfriend or anything but I still want to see him.

"I will see you next week.

I smile. "I'll see you then."

I open my eyes. I look at Hardin's face, my face is dry from all my tears. It’s my fault. I grip his right hand tight. I look at his face. "I should have just came with you. I should have just agreed to be with you. I love you Hardin! I need you!"

The nurse walks in to take Hardin's vitals. She eyes me.

"Tessa you should go home and get some rest." She walks over and puts her hand on my shoulder. I look up at her.

"It's my fault!" I put my hands over my face. "He wanted to stay on campus this year and I made him come home!" She hugs me.

"It is never anyone's fault for an inconvenience. A stupid man was in a rush to go nowhere and took a lot of lives." She looks into my eyes. "Hardin is amongst many others in that accident. Many died at the scene. He is fighting and I know you’re the reason why he is still here." I know what she said is true but I can't help but feel guilty. She stands "I'll get you a guest bed." I smile in relief. I hear her chatting in the hall with someone. I see someone standing in the hallway.

"She is staying with him do not bother her." I can hear she is annoyed with the person. I wonder who that was.

"I will see Hardin when ever I please." The girl gives attitude.

"Just leave her be." The nurse disappears for awhile. She returns with a bed. "Get some rest Hardin's mom and your mom will be here in the morning." I thank her as she leaves. I look at Hardin and move in for a kiss. But someone stops me as I lean over him I turn around and see a young woman close to my age.

"Can I help you?" I look at her. She doesn't answer. "How did you get in here? No visitors after 9pm."

"I'm his girlfriend." she gives me a smug look.

"Girlfriend?" I thought... he wanted to be with me? Is that why he wanted to stay on campus?

"Yes, and you must be Tessa?" she puts out her hand wanting me to shake it. I take her hand in mine. She looks offly happy for her boyfriend being in a coma. "How is he?" she walks over to him. Was that the person the nurse was talking too?

"No changes, hey I didn't catch your name." she turns to face me.

"I'm Molly."