So Many Things I Want To Say

Chapter 10

"Mom is Hardin here yet?" I text Trish as I'm hiding in his bedroom waiting for Hardin to come home from college. The last time we saw each other I turned him down more times then I should have. I hope that this time will be different.

I know that our relationship is all messed up, I shouldn't lead him on. It isn't fair.

"Mom I'll be upstairs to get settled and I'll call Tessa!" I chuckle as I hear his voice, he opens the door and I'm sitting on his bed. His eyes light up with joy. "Tessa!" He jumps onto the bed embracing me. He goes to lay a kiss on me, but I move myself.

"You surprised?" He smiles at my words.

"Yeah, why did you move Tess?" His smile disappeared. He shifts his body to the head of the bed; his hands move to the back of his head.

"Hardin, look..." he cuts me off...

"What's so wrong Tessa? Don't you love me?" He tries to reach for my hand. Where is this coming from?

"Hardin, I do love you; we have been through this..." I just don't know what to say. My heart races as he comes closer to me moving into a kiss. I let him move in, we have been through this before I pushed him away maybe I should give in. His hands move to my hips I slowly move in wrapping my legs over his now sitting on his lap, I can feel his hard on knowing he's ready for me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. He slowly moves his hands up my back under my shirt. Trying to take off my top. Should I be doing this? This isn't fair to Hardin. I try to stop his movement, but my body moves faster than my head. I let my top hit the floor with my bra included he stops for a moment to look at me.

"You're so beautiful Tessa." His hands move and caress my body." I never thought I would ever see you this way 'baby'." Baby? My eyes become wide. Those words just left his mouth. He has never said anything like that before. I let it go but his mouth and body has done this before.

"Hardin, stop." He keeps kissing my neck. "Hardin!" His hands stop moving and he jerks back.

"What!?" He seems confused. "What did I do?"

"Have you done this before?" He looks at me puzzled. "Hardin! Have you already had sex with someone!?"

"No." I know he's lying to me. I always dreamt of us being each other's firsts. Why does that matter? We aren't even together. We never were why do I care?

"Tessa! Hardin!" Trish yells up the stairs I jump off Hardin, grab my stuff and walk to the door.

"Tessa! I can explain just come back." I walk out ignoring him. "Tessa, please!" His mother comes running from the kitchen.

"What's going on?" I walk pass her throwing my shirt on over my head. "Tessa, sweetie?" I look at her with tear filled eyes.

Not sure why it made me so angry...He comes running down the stairs. I couldn't even look at him, I walked out the door and down the stairs. Not knowing that would be the last time I saw Hardin.

Sitting in the room with my mom and Hardin's mother.

"Trish do you want to get something to eat?" My mother asks her.

"Carol I'm fine." My mother walks over and takes her hand.

"It will take your mind off things come get a coffee with me." My mother gets Steph, so I have someone to sit with. "We will be back girls." My mother smiles trying to put on a strong front for her best friend.

"How is the MRI going, why is it taking so long?" I can't even ask anything else. Steph sighs "be honest with me."

"It's not looking promising, but Hardin is tough, they found something, so they are doing further tests." Literally the last time I saw him I was turning him down. I have done that left and right. I didn't even let him explain I was wrapped up in my thoughts and my feelings never thought about how he felt. I just want to see his face, I want to see him smile, laugh, even his kiss I want to feel his lips on mine. I truthfully don't care if I'm not his first I want to be his last. But the thought of Molly hits me. I can't believe he slept with her. Honestly, I hope he forgets her when he wakes up. "What's going on in that head of yours?" Steph asks with a giggle.

"A lot to be honest." I try to half smile.

"Tell me." I feel like I shouldn't, but I have no one else. I tell her everything, about us literally almost having sex twice, me turning him down each time. I am hurt I should have given in a long time ago.

"When did you start having feelings for Hardin?" Maybe when he started having feelings for me.

"Steph, maybe I always did I just never wanted to ruin our friendship."

"No one ever wants to ruin a friendship, but you never know until you at least try something out." I know she's right. "If Hardin never got into this accident, would you feel any different? Would you want to tell him how you felt? Or even consider being intimate?"

"Your right Steph, I wouldn't have done anything. It would have been an endless cycle and I would turn him down left and right. But I keep thinking about Molly." Steph glares at me.

"Molly isn't the love of his life, you are." She puts a hand on my shoulder. "She means nothing to him, he may have fucked her yes, but you and Hardin have history." I laugh at her harsh words. I hear a siren sound.

"Steph? What was that?" Her eyes go wide. "Steph!" She looks at me. I know that sound means something. She stands with fear in her eyes. "STEPH!" She turns to me.

"We have to go to him now!" She takes my hand and pulls me down the hall.