What Now

13. Run, Lydia, Run

"Will you move in with me?" 

I didn't realize I had been holding my breath while I waited for Lydia's answer. I spent the day thinking of different ways to ask her, and I wasn't expecting it to just come out like this. From her expression, I could tell she wasn't expecting it either.

When the words passed my lips, I saw her eyes go wide and her lips parted slightly. She didn't say anything after that. She simply held my stare while she was frozen in place. Worry spread through me as the minutes trickled me.

"Please say something," I said with an awkward smile. "The silence is killing me." 

I had no idea what she was going to say. I didn't know if she would say yes, maybe, or even no. I just needed to hear a fucking answer, I had been thinking about this for a few days and thought it was a good step for us. 

 "I-- I, uh, don't know what to say to that." She turned away and started gathering her clothes; stuffing them in the bag she brought. She threw on a pair of jogging pants and a jacket to cover the lingerie she was wearing. "Isn't this a little out of the blue? I mean, what about my dorm?" 

I didn't care that I was naked in the middle of the room. I could only think about the woman standing in front of me and how she was taking this. After all the times we have talked about living together, this was how I expected her to react. "We can always wait until the semester is over. I just-- I thought we talked about this, Lydia. I thought--"

"I know we have," she interjected as she took her heels off and put on her running shoes. "I know we talked about it, and I said I would be open to it." 

"But?" 

She got to her feet and still refused to look at me. "But I don't know if this is the right time. I mean, you got this new job and I have the art show."

She was deflecting and I knew it. I ran my hand threw my hair as my frustration started to grow. I wouldn't have asked her unless I was pretty positive that she would say yes. I have gotten to know her better than a lot of other people in her life since we met that night on the bridge. "Lydia, look at me." 

She continued to gather her things, ignoring me completely. "Lydia," I called again. When she started for the door, I stepped in front of her, blocking her path.  "You can't just leave without talking to me. Please," I begged. 

I needed to know what she was feeling. What she was thinking. I needed to understand why, just a week ago, she was completely gung ho with the idea about moving in with me. Now, she was acting the complete opposite. To be honest, her actions were very similar to the when we first met. She was skittish, hesitant...scared. My mind flashed back to that night I kissed Lydia on the balcony. I thought it had been our first kiss; and didn't remember until after that I kissed her the previous night when I was drugged: 

"You okay?" I asked her before she walked away from me. I knew tonight was a lot to take. By helping the police set up a sting to catch PSYCHO Amy, we put ourselves in danger. 

Lydia wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm fine. Seems like Operation: Fake Date was a success." 

I shrugged off my jacket when I walked inside the room from the balcony; throwing it on the bed. "Yeah, I guess." 

She shifted back and forth uncomfortably on her feet. "Your stunt on the balcony sure did the trick." 

I knew she would think kissing her was all an act. At the time, it was. I wanted to get that psycho bitch out of our lives. But, I couldn't lie to Lydia. "It wasn't all fake." 

"Sean-"

"No, don't do that," I interjected, Don't run away. Yes, that kiss was meant to lure her in. But after I started-- I couldn't stop. It was real." It was more real than anything I have ever felt. And apparently, it wasn't the first time. "Just like when I kissed you last night."