What Now

36| Just Breathe

"Is she alive?"

When Caffrey refused to look at me, I raised my voice. "Caffrey! Is she fucking alive!" 

Caffrey shoved me back against the doors of the van. When he came in and told Michael and I that there were shots fired at Maria's hotel, we both sort of lost it. It took a good ten minutes to get us calm enough and into the van. We were almost there and I still didn't know if Lydia was alive or dead. 

I was losing my fucking mind. When Caffrey found out I gave Lydia a gun, he wasn't very happy...

"What the fuck do you mean you gave her a gun?" Caffery asked with a furious tone. 

I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. I kept seeing Lydia's body in my mind. Injured-- dead. I was starting to hyperventilate. God, what was that echoing sound? Somehow I went from standing to sitting. Did my feet go out? Did someone sit me down? Where am I? Where is Lydia?

"Sean? Sean! Do you hear me?" 

I looked up to Michael. He was crouched down in front of me, snapping in his fingers in front of my eyes. "Is- is she..."

"I don't know. You need to breathe, Sean. We need to go. Now." 

Go? Yes, we needed to leave. Lydia needed us. Maria needed us. "Why are you so calm?" 

"I'm not calm." He looked away. "Sorry about your window by the way." 

I looked to the right and saw that three -- not one -- of my windows were broken. He must have lost it the same time I did. Oh, well. "It's fine." I got to my feet. "We need to get there now." 

Caffrey walked over to us. "Guys, let's go. Or stay here." 

That did it. We jumped to our feet and followed Caffery to the van...which led us to now. Once we started driving, he gave me a look. I knew what he was asking. "I gave her the gun because she needed to be protected. In case something like this happened."

Caffrey ran his hand over his face. I knew he was getting frustrated, and I was probably going to get in trouble for this, but I didn't care. "Did you know about this?" He asked Michael.

Michael shrugged a shoulder. "It was my idea." When Michael told me to give Lydia my gun, I was jealous I didn't think of it first. I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure both she and Maria came out of this alive and safe.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Caffrey fisted his hands. "What is it going to take for the two of you to understand that you are not federal agents? You don't get to make decisions like this or break protocol by running a facial recognition software. Christ, you both can get in trouble for this shit."

I kept my eyes out of the front windshield, looking for Maria's Hotel. I had no interest in listening to whatever Caffrey had to say right now unless it involved the woman I loved. I knew some of the choices I made were going to come back and bite me in the ass. I knew there was a risk of jail time. But that didn't stop me or Michael from protecting the women we cared about. Our family.

I heard Michael when he said, "Do you think we care? We are trying to keep the people we care about safe. I know you are too, but there is no harm in extra protection. You don't know the lengths my father will go to if he gets angry. You don't know how he is. All you know, is what you read on paper."

It was a losing battle to argue with either of us, at least right now. And Caffrey knew it. "Fine. But we need to talk about this later. As for now, we're almost to the hotel. Neither of you is getting out of this van and rushing into that hotel. Clear?" He handed us both bulletproof vests. "We don't know who got shot and who is doing the shooting yet. In case Jonathan has the gun, we want you to be protected."