What Now

16. Yippee-Ki-Yay...

I was pacing in Michael's backyard as I waited and hoped that Sean would answer his cell phone. After talking with my brother, I finally understood what I really wanted. Which is why I wanted to call Sean immediately. There was a lot I needed to say to him; starting with an apology about running away.

When I had gotten on that plane, there was a part of me that knew I shouldn't have done it. Or at least, not the way I did. I felt a lot of guilt and I wanted to make things right.

I heard the line click and stopped my pacing. "Sean?"

"Hey, baby," he breathed into the phone. Hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes and I covered my mouth with my hand.

"Hey," I replied lamely.

There was a pause before he spoke again. "How are you?"

What I should have done before calling was try to think of what exactly I was going to say to him when I did. Because now, I was coming up blank.

"You can tell me anything, baby," he said quietly when I remained silent. Nostalgia filled me at his words.

The words came spilling out of me after that. "Guilty. I feel guilty."

"Lydia--"

"No," I interjected. "I need to get this out. I feel guilty because of the way I handled all of this. Because, you were right. We have talked about living together and I was on board with it. I still am." I let out a long breath. "When you asked me, it caught me off guard. It suddenly became very real and it scared me."

"Why did it scare you?"

I closed my eyes tight as I chewed on my bottom lip. "Even though I was ready for it, it's still a huge step for me. I kept thinking about the future and wondering what would happen if it didn't work out. I was worried this could possibly be too fast for us. And if it was, that would affect our relationship." I held back my tears and the next words were barely a whisper. "I don't want to mess this up."

"Me either." He paused, and from the sound of horns beeping and people yelling, he was in the city somewhere. "Baby, I love you. More than anything. This scares the hell out of me, too. I've never lived with anyone before. I worry about the future just like you."

He laughed before he asked, "Doesn't this sound a little familiar?"

The memory of our night on the beach was fresh in my mind and I laughed along with him. "You mean, when we decided to go from friends to more than friends?"

"Yes. We were both worried about the effect it would have on our friendship. And what did I say to you?"

"You said that you didn't want to risk it either. But we couldn't ignore what we felt. You said we'll run with it and take it one day at a time."

"That's right," he said with a smile in his voice. "Babe, I'm just as scared as you are. I honestly believe this is the right step for us. But, if you aren't ready or have any doubts at all, it doesn't have to happen now or anytime soon. It's not going to change anything between us if you tell me you aren't ready."

Sean's words resonated in my head. If there was any sliver of doubt left inside of me, it was gone. He was one of the most understanding people I have ever met. I believed him when he said it wouldn't change anything between us if I said no. Now, I was more sure than ever.

"Yes," I breathed into the phone and I could feel the giant smile forming on my face.

"Yes? As in--"

I giggled. "Yes, I'll move in with you."

"Fuck. I wish you were here right now. I've never wanted to kiss you this bad."