𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡.

"𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮"| 𝐞 & 𝐫

R

    When Richie got out the shower, he saw Eddie in his room looking concerned. He was looking through his stuff. Again. "Looking through my stuff again?" Richie asked with a slight smile. He dried off his dripping wet hair with a white towel. Eddie looked at Richie, with yet another serious expression. "How many of these do you have, Rich'?" Eddie asked with a concerned tone. Eddie was holding a container of opioids in his hand. Richie's smile faded. "Relax. It's fine." Richie said, throwing in the towel, literally and figuratively. He sat on the bed with Eddie.

    "I don't see what's fine about this. I need to know. How long have you been doing drugs?" Eddie asked him, looking at the ground. Richie paused to think. "Since I left Derry. Since you left." Richie had never really opened up to anyone about this stuff. He saw Eddie's eyes squint, as they usually did when he thought deeply. "You can't blame this on me, though. I..." Eddie trailed off, not finishing the thought.

E

    Eddie wouldn't have expected this from Richie. The whole situation was confusing. He saw Richie's eyes constantly shifting - he wondered if he was on something right now. Eddie sighed. "Don't, do that." Richie said, with a disappointed tone in his voice. "Do what?" Eddie asked. "Don't sound disappointed. Don't sigh," Eddie could tell he was about to say something else, but the words just didn't come out. Eddie felt the same.  There was a burning silence for a minute. Richie broke the silence.

R

    "Eds, can I ask you something?" Eddie nodded. "Are you happy? Like, truly happy?" He asked. Eddie looked at him. Richie turned. They locked eyes. "I don't think anyone is truly happy," He replied. "Yeah, but like, are you okay with where you are, in like, life?" He asked. Eddie was silent for a few seconds, then looked away.

E

    "I don't know, Rich'." He said, even though he knew that the true answer was no. More silence. "I guess we really don't know each other anymore." Eddie said coldly. "I really didn't mean to slap you, you know. I'm not that kind of person." Richie said, looking over at Eddie. "You know that, right?" Eddie wasn't sure. There was no response.

"I hated you after the accident, Richie. You know that, right?" Eddie said harshly.

R

The words hit home. Hated. "Yeah. I know." He replied, taking a deep breath. "I hated myself too." Richie said. Eddie looked at Richie. Richie had hated himself for a long time. He had to live with regret for his actions. All of them. Until he didn't want too, of course. "Drugs aren't going to make what you did go away. Nothing will. You're gonna have to live with that shit for the rest of your life." Eddie said. God. Richie's breathing was more labored. No one had ever said that to him before. "Yeah. I am." Chills crept up Richie's back again.

E

A rush of emotions hit Eddie again. He couldn't believe he just said that. Well, he could believe it - he said painfully harsh things now, but with Richie? Eddie was mortified, in disbelief that he had become so jaded. He didn't let it show, though. They didn't talk for a good deal - they just sat in each other's company. "You've changed, Eddie. I know I keep saying stuff like this, but you have." Eddie looked at Richie again. It was like he'd read his mind.

R

Richie was loosing his nervousness around Eddie. He just wanted to have a genuine conversation and open up about things. He was tired of leaving so many words unsaid. It could be the last time they saw each other after all. And plus, why would he ever want to hang out with Richie again? "Sometimes change is good," Eddie said, shifting positions. "I'm not scared anymore." Eddie said, tracing the bed frame with his pointer finger. "I... don't think so." Richie replied. He didn't mean to say that out loud. "What?" Eddie said, stopping and turning back to Richie with a confusion written all over him. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." said Richie, getting up from the bed in a rush. "You think I'm still scared?" Eddie said.

E

"You think I'm still scared?" Eddie said. That was one of his biggest fears. Not really changing. He'd had this great "transformation", reinventing himself over the years. Was it all for nothing? "I think you're still scared. Just in different ways." Richie said, gazing back at him. "Look." He said, snapping his fingers together in front of Eddie. Eddie jumped and winced. "See?" Richie looked upset. "Are you scared of me?" He said, slightly quieter. That statement shocked Eddie. "Do you, honest to god, think that I'd hurt you?" Eddie didn't answer, directing his gaze back to the messy floor of the apartment. "You think I'm a monster. You think that I'm disgusting." Richie said, his voice wavering.

R

Richie scoffed, trying to sound more annoyed with Eddie than sad. He looked at the bottle of pills laying on his small desk that Eddie had pulled out. Eddie looked back up at Richie yet again. "You just really, really scared me that day, Richie." Eddie said, his voice breaking.

E

Was he really about to cry? He hadn't in so long he forgot what it felt like. "I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave. I didn't. You just scared me so bad." He continued. A tear streamed down his freckled cheek. "I hated you." He said again. "So much." Eddie cleared his throat, trying to stifle the tears, but he couldn't.

R

Richie's expression softened. He sat next to Eddie again, watching the tears roll down his face. It hurt. Worse than anything. He gently put his arm around Eddie, not wanting the boy to tell him to "not fucking touch him" again. Eddie did something unexpected - he fell into the hug. Richie took a deep breath, letting Eddie cry on his favorite hoodie.