𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡.

𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 | 𝐞 & 𝐫

R

    Richie thought he'd feel regret for admitting the truth to Eddie. He thought the world would collapse, or the walls of the cabins would come careening in. Instead, they didn't. And he didn't feel regret, either. He felt... relief. It felt like he'd admitted it to himself instead of just admitting it to Eddie. He took a deep exhale, feeling as if he'd exhaled almost all his air supply.

    "I-" Eddie began to speak, but Richie cut him off. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. And you don't have to reply." He said, tired of the focus being on himself. "I want to know about you." He continued, and not just for the purpose of deflection. He mustered up the courage to face back to Eddie, who he could tell was still clinging to Richie's confession and still not facing him. "Can I just-" Richie interrupted again, one hand touching Eddie's hand, the other on the back of the couch, tapping it to ease his anxieties. "Look at me." He said, in a softer voice. Eddie took a second, but he turned and faced him. Richie could see his eyes welling up with tears waiting to fall. Eddie leaned against Richie, falling into his arm and resting his head on his shoulder. "It's better if you just don't say anything. It's okay. I... 'get' you." Richie whispered to him, trying to calm him down.

E

    Eddie felt comforted in Richie's arms, feeling the immense rush of warmth from Richie's hoodie he was wearing. "It's better if you just don't say anything. It's okay. I... 'get' you."

    After lying in his arms for a few minutes, Eddie's mind was full of thoughts. He'd like to convince himself that he couldn't even imagine someone wanting to end it all. But he'd be lying if he said he hadn't had that same feeling.

    Part of him was confused about how Richie could go through so much and still be strong. Well, strong enough. Strong enough to wake up in the morning. Strong enough to even be able to tell him all of this. If it weren't for school and work and all of his many, many distractions, he knew he probably wouldn't be able to get up from his bed. Distraction was his only safe haven - the only thing keeping him going. Keeping his wheels turning. Keeping him out of the bed and without an idle mind, which would be dangerous territory for Eddie. This was why he couldn't decide if all of the diversions in his life were good or bad. When he was busy and constantly on the run, he didn't have to worry about anxiety and his desolation creeping up on him, but he was directly avoiding the things that would be the very cause of those actions.

    The past days he'd spent with Richie were the most he'd actually been... thinking, for a while. Not thinking as in academically, or things in his work - but truly thinking. Reflecting. Spending time dwelling in parts of himself that he forgot he'd had for a while. Feeling things he'd never felt before. Observing more than just quickly breezing through the daily motions. Genuinely having a connection with someone rather than just saying the occasional "Hey, how are you?" to an acquaintance, or repeating his order with a "Thank you!" to his coffee barista. A real, sincere, connection.

He hadn't dealt with his past trauma in a while, and constantly tried to block it out. He didn't have an outlet or a source to tell his deepest secrets to, or anyone to even talk about non-superficial topics with - Which was why it came as a surprised with Eddie, who looked to be on autopilot while resting against Richie, spoke up.

R

    "I can't even hear that word anymore." Eddie said to Richie. Richie sighed for a second, knowing immediately which 'word' Eddie was referring to. He was taken back to that night with Henry Bowers. "Fa-" "Yeah, that word." Eddie interjected. "Yeah..." Richie said, starting but not finishing his statement. . "Well... What's so wrong with it?" Richie said, a small smile forming upon his face. "What?" Eddie said, with a confused expression. "I mean, it's true, isn't it?" Richie said, smiling more now and trying to take the enduring pressure off of the atmosphere. Eddie didn't say anything for a second, then looked up at Richie with a smile. "You asshole," Eddie jokingly said, playfully hitting Richie in his stomach with a laugh. Richie laughed too. He felt Eddie's position change, snuggling up even closer next to Richie once they finished laughing.

    He looked to Eddie, whose face was comfortably nuzzled in Richie's shoulder. Eddie looked back up. Richie felt himself start to lean in to kiss Eddie, but he quickly stopped himself. He saw Eddie expecting it, and was caught aback when he didn't happen. "Yeah... we can't." He said, as if Richie said the same thing. "Okay, so... we don't have to." Richie said, trying to keep positive.

Eddie couldn't get too genuinely attached to him. Richie knew it would end bad. For both of them.

"What do you mean?" Eddie said, with a look of curiosity. Richie inhaled, sitting up a bit. "Well," He began, inhaling and sitting up a bit. "You can just lay there, and I'll just sit here," He said, narrating their actions. "And you'll probably be annoyed with me for some reason but really just wanting to be here, with me, for some reason," He continued. "And I'll be amazed by you even though you're just laying here, or maybe because you're just laying here. And I'll keep resisting the urge to kiss you."  Eddie laughed a bit, but it was more of a soft inhale with a smile. "Spot on." Eddie replied to the observations. After a couple of minutes of peaceful silence, Richie spoke up. "I'm... gonna get better. Or at least try." Eddie's eyes lit up. Richie couldn't tell if it was relief or suprise, or something else. Could you be any harder to read, Eddie Kaspbrak? "Really?" Eddie said, in yet another indecipherable action. "Yeah. But you have to wait for me. Like I'm waiting for you." Richie said, trying to prepare Eddie for the inevitable worst. "Yeah... no, yeah, of course." Eddie said, trying to correct his tone. Richie felt a sense of euphoria rush over him. He was about to put his hand, which was half wrapped around Eddie, on his shoulder, but it hovered for a second. He took his movement back and then put it back on the couch.