𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡.

"𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠" | 𝐞 & 𝐫

R

Holding the letter in his hands, Richie felt worse. Knowing how much his words hurt Eddie killed him inside. After thinking for a bit about what to do, Richie grabbed some extra papers from the drawers under his nightstand, due to him not bringing paper himself. He thought for a few minutes, trying to articulate the words correctly. He was blanking, but he tried the best he could.

About an hour later, Richie walked over to Eddie's bedroom and slipped his response under the thin gap under the light wooden door of his bedroom.

E

    Eddie, who had been laying down in his orderly made bed and staring at the window, heard a gradual sliding noise come from his door. Sitting up, slightly startled by the noise, he looked at the floor, seeing a few pages loosely put together with the fold of their right corners.

    Anxious to see what Richie's response would be, Eddie bent down and grabbed the paper, not bending it even more than it was already bent. He took a deep breath, as well, and looked down to the handwriting upon the paper titled 'To Eddie'

To Eddie

I didn't mean any of it. Right from the start, I didn't mean it that way. I freaked out, I guess. It was a stupid mistake  I know how dramatic you can be. I'm bad at phrasing things. Well, I'm bad at a lot of things, obviously.

I just didn't want to put you through all of the problems and struggles of being with me. It's hard enough being me and not messing everything up, and I didn't want to make you and myself more miserable by adding another person into the equation.

I know you think I don't like you anymore, especially after what I said, but I just got too into the moment. We both said some things we regret, even though the things that you said were completely valid... I know how much you might want to leave right now - how much you probably hate me, how angry you are with me right now, not just about this, but with everything I've done. To you. To the losers. To myself... You're probably just as disgusted with me as I am with myself, and there is no possible way I can blame you for that.

Please don't go, Eds.

I don't think you understand just how much you mean to me. I honestly don't think anyone can understand. I can't stop thinking about you. When I wake up, when I go to sleep at night, when I do anything - it's all you. You're the person I've loved the most in my life. It's so fucking stupid, and it probably doesn't mean anything to you, but I love you. With every fiber of my being. It would kill me to live without you, and it almost did.

For so long after you left... after we left, I guess, I didn't know what to do with myself. I've liked you for longer than you can understand. That day, in the woods, I wanted to say it. So bad. But I was terrified. Terrified that you'd think I was disgusting. I was terrified that you'd think of me the way that I thought of myself. You were my future, Eddie. All my plans in life. There is not one plan that I had where you were not in it.

When we seperated, it threw me a major curveball. Everything I'd thought my future would be was over. I guess I was depressed. Wow, I've never told anyone that. Everything was devoid of meaning. I just wanted to feel like myself again, you know? I don't even know what 'myself' even means to me, anymore.

When I first started using, like I told you, I just felt like a version of myself... Not my normal self, but a warped, or skewed version of myself, if that even makes sense. It was the closest to the idea of 'myself' I could reach. I did some really stupid things. Hell, I almost went to jail... Almost died.

When I overdosed.... The day of, atleast. I could tell something was wrong with me. I wasn't reaching the 'high' feeling easily. I was just so... down. The darkest part of me is starting to think that it wasn't an accident. But what even is the difference, anymore? All of it. It's just reaching high after high, using more, until eventually it's too much. The end goal isn't whatever enlightenment bullshit we say it is, it's death, I guess. The ultimate stage of awareness.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't follow you. It was just too overwhelming. I physically felt like I couldn't survive without you. I still feel that way. Unhealthy? Obviously. But I can't help it. Who would? I mean it's you, Eddie. I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you.

However, yeah, I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't kind of pissed right now about what you said. It's been in the back of my mind. "Deserving" to die. Isn't that like, a reward to me at this point? Being out of my misery? Not having to live everyday thinking about the fucked up shit that I did? And continue to do? I don't "deserve" to die. I guess I deserve to live with my thoughts for eternity.

I really thought it was too late, Eds. I thought we were never going to be able to talk again. That day in the forest, I just should have said it.

What you said, about it getting easier to block out when you get older. The noises. I feel like I feel everything, Eddie. But what makes it easier? It's bullshit. It's all. Fucking. Bullshit. I don't even get why I was so scared to tell you, now.  me, it's the opposite. I've started to realise how stupid everything is. How much all of it is nothing. We can do what we want. No one really gives a shit. Maybe they will for like a couple of days, but everyone just forgets. The replies to the texts stop coming. They start forgetting important things about you, like birthdays and holidays. You stop talking to them altogether. It's all just nothing. And that's the most comforting yet terrifying thought in the world. Do you think I'm a good person, Kaspbrak? I have my doubts.

[REDACTED]

    Eddie felt the paper in his hands, feeling... empty. He didn't know how to react. There was a large paragraph scratched out, covering up almost half of the paper. Eddie held the letter, feeling shocked, but mainly just... empty. The letter felt like something he shouldn't have read. It felt too private. It didn't feel like it should be addressed to him, but more Richie himself.

    He didn't understand until that moment truly how hurt Richie was.