𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡.

𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝|𝐞

   ➵

All things started and inevitably ended in Derry. The absolute perpetuity of Derry was a concept that Eddie could never fully wrap his mind around. Escape had been one of his main goals, ever since he was younger. He wanted to run away from all of it - the people, his mother, his school, and the essence of his life in the town. No matter how much he had loved his friends, he always had a consuming feeling of entrapment that seemed inescapable. Out of all the horrible things in his life, the one group of people who made him feel okay with himself somehow still didn't convince him to stay. Derry was just too dark - it seemed a desolate place, one where light just barely found an opening.

He couldn't help but feel bad for feeling such a disconnect to the place where he was born. Nothing would ever be satisfactory enough for him in Derry. That was, until, he finally left - hardly on his own volition, but nonetheless, he left.

He realized Derry wasn't the place that was perpetual, but it was his state of being. It was him. The more he tried to run, the more he realized that things would be the same no matter where he went - that was, unless he could change his mindset.

He knew that he was a stubborn person, but he didn't fully understand that trait of himself until he tried to change. He tried desperately to be someone he wasn't, and naturally, it backfired. He found himself becoming an incomplete version of the person he longed to be - he had friends, he had a stable source of income, all the things that were supposed to make him happy. He realized that those things alone wouldn't make him happy. He had to have a connection to them. If he was being around people, or having a job that he thought he was supposed to want, but he didn't actually want, then he wouldn't be happy.

With all of his running, he never had the time to build upon a foundation that was already right in front of him. And one of foundations he had was right in front of him.

Eddie looked up at Richie, and realized his suffering was not without purpose.

Some time had passed, and he'd thrown up, cried, and begun to sober up. Eddie was lying on a bench and had a pounding headache, one that the crackling fire and wind on his back could not alleviate. He regretted drinking so much, and couldn't quite contextualize much of what happened while he was drinking. It was all sort of blending together.

His friends were all talking by the fire, including Richie, who had seemed much less nervous around them than he had earlier. He continued to watch Richie laugh and talk to everyone as if time hadn't even passed. It felt just like how things used to feel, before all of the needless hiding and fighting.

Fuck.

This was the version of Richie that Eddie loved - the one he fell in love with. The one who had eyes like a whirlpool in a turbulent ocean, and a smile, though usually transient, like a flame put out by water. The version who was happy, and frankly, a bit of a jackass, but still cared about other people - maybe a bit too much.

Eddie couldn't sympathize with Richie's fear of being unlikable when he was sober. Eddie thought the opposite - he liked Richie while he wasn't high, or wasn't worried about getting high. He couldn't grasp many of Richie's worries, and why he even had them to begin with.

Eddie continued looking at Richie. Then he was reminded of that night. His stomach twisted for a moment, looking away from Richie, and closing his eyes. It didn't make sense - it really didn't. How could someone so kind, so charismatic become an entirely different person? Eddie had been on the receiving end of that type of anger during some of their fights. He hated to admit it, but he was scared. He really was. He couldn't control who he loved, let alone the actions of who he loved. Loving Richie truly was a double-edged sword.

His love for Richie was beyond the point of rational, and if anything, it was becoming erratic and unrestrained. He'd never been one to not hold a grudge, but each day he found himself justifying Richie's actions to an unprecedented degree. He still didn't understand how he could be in love with Richie, or even see him again after all that they'd been through, but he needed to. To him, it didn't matter if it was an argument, or if they were making out, he just wanted to be near him. Anytime with him was time well spent, even if it was a screaming match. Maybe it just gave him something to do.

Each time he'd seen him today, it was like falling in love over and over again for the first time. He never wanted that feeling to stop. He hoped it never would. Or maybe it was just the alcohol talking.

"Hey, look who's finally awake." He heard, and felt a soft touch on the top of his head.