Behind My Eyes.

why me?

tw: implications of r*pe.

i need time to clear my head.

i need to breathe.

i need to get away.

i wish the thought of being alone wasn't so scary.

i wish the thought of being with people wasn't so scary.

i wish i wasn't so paranoid about seeing your face everywhere.

i'm constantly looking over my shoulder.

i'm always peeking around corners.

i can't sleep because i see your face in my dreams, which i suppose makes them nightmares because all you did was bring me pain.

i was doing so well by myself and then you came and shattered every wall i had built up.

in a split second.

i took a nap.

god i was so tired all i needed was a simple little nap.

but you decided that i couldn't nap and took it as a sign to force yourself on me.

i wasn't even awake.

i woke up to you holding me down and i couldn't move.

why?

why did you do that?

why did you feel the need to bring me pain?

fuck what did i ever do to you?

why me?

was it because i was there?

did you know i was asleep?

you must have, there's no way you couldn't have known.

i can't fall asleep.

i'm so fucking scared you're going to show up the second i close my eyes and it's so stupid that i can't fall asleep in the safety of my room.

i lock the door every night but that still doesn't stop the fear.

i stayed awake for almost a week after it happened because i was terrified.

i was in so much pain, did you know that?

it took me days for it to be comfortable sitting.

did you know i cried the entire drive home?

did you know that i can't sleep through the night anymore?

did you know that i woke up screaming for months?

did you know that i had to start sleeping in my sisters' room because i got scared to sleep in my room by myself?

did you know i see you everywhere, or at least i think i do?

someone who looked like you came into my job a week or so after it happened and i had to hide in the bathroom.

i thought you'd found me and you were going to hurt me again.

i cried that day.

i haven't felt clean since then.

i always feel dirty.

why did you do that?

i don't want to know.

i just want to feel like myself again.

i hate you so much.

i wish you nothing but the worst and i truly mean that.

i hope you rot in hell.