it's nearly three-thirty in the morning and once again i find myself waking up in a cold sweat panicking and in a fit of anxiety.
i didn't know where i was when i woke up.
this isn't the first time this has happened and i doubt it will be the last.
you have caused me a lifetime of horror and trauma and i know you don't care and you're never going to read this and that is so beyond okay with me.
it took me a moment to come to my senses and realize where i was.
i am safe.
i am in my room and i am safe.
i'm in my room and my door is locked and i am safe.
i'm in my room, my door is locked, i'm in my own bed, and i am safe.
i'm in my room, my door is locked, i'm in my own bed, there is nobody in my bed but me and i am safe.
these are the words i will repeat to myself for the rest of my life because of the trauma that you have inflicted on me.
you're not here and you never will be again and i am safe.
i don't understand how this happened.
i did everything right and i followed my checklist.
i held onto the cold metal railing to ground myself to my room when i woke up.
i left the lights above the bed on so when i woke up i could easily see where i was.
i tucked myself into the blanket burrito so tight so you wouldn't be able to get in and hurt me again.
i did everything right.
so why am i sitting here crying because i thought i was back in the bed in jacksonville?
why, after all of that and all of this time, do i still think you're going to find me?
i know with your connections it wouldn't be hard to find me at all.
i think that's what scares me the most,
i know that at any time you could easily find me.
you know my name and what town i live in and one simple question to the right person would have you at my doorstep in a heartbeat.
i'd like to think that after a year you wouldn't bother and you'd have your sights set on someone else.
please don't hurt her as you did to me.
it's been a year and a half almost and i'm still so scared to sleep because you haunt my every dream and you're here when i'm awake.
it's three-thirty in the morning and even though i know i'm safe in my bed i can still feel your filthy hands all over me and holding me down and i can't breathe.
it's three-thirty in the morning and the sudden overwhelming urge to run away has made itself known again,
tomorrow i have to get out of here.
i can't keep doing this i need to reset.
how do i escape the hell that is my own mind?
it's three-thirty in the morning and i'm forced to once again visit my exit strategy and wimp out.
nobody's going to be home it'd be perfect!
i need to be done with this.
i don't know how many more nights i can take of this.
it's inevitable.
i wasn't built to survive something this horrendous.
it's three-thirty in the morning and you're leading me, hand in mine, straight to my grave.
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YOU ARE READING
Behind My Eyes.
Poetrycome pick my mind and stay awhile, make yourself comfortable. it's awfully lonely in here. - inside this book, you'll find five distinct parts: simply me, which tells you almost everything you need to know about me. you, which tells you...