Behind My Eyes.

checklist.

i think the worst thing about my sleeping problems,

is that i know no matter how exhausted i am,

i will always be too scared to close my eyes and fall asleep.

i don't think there will ever be a time where i won't be scared to fall asleep ever again.

i have to triple check my deadbolt and handle,

i have to turn on my string of lights above my bed and above the desk,

i have to wrap the blankets around me as if i'm buried in,

and i have to hold onto my cold metal headboard

before i can even think about shutting my eyes.

it's so ridiculous that i have to have a system for going to bed,

 i can't risk even the thought of you finding me in the middle of the night.

i can't risk the thought of being exposed while i sleep.

i can't risk the thought of waking up and my mind playing tricks on me.

there have been a few unfortunate times where

i've woken up and either thought i saw you sat at the foot of my bed,

or i've woken up and thought i was back in that bed under you.

it's terrifying and it paralyzes me.

i'm so terrified all the time and there is nothing that i can do about it because you've broken me.

it's like somehow you took every wire in my brain and you rewired it to be in panic mode twenty-four hours of the day.

how did you manage to do that?

i'm never going to be able to wrap my head around why you did the things you did.

i don't think i want an answer to that question anyways.

i want you to get out of my head.

i want to feel safe.

i want to be myself again.

i want to be safe in my own skin.

in my own room.

in my own thoughts.

you have ruined everything i thought i was.