Vivid Imagination

Finding strength

Memories that we try to hold on to fade over the years and sometimes we lose them completely. Some of the ones we would like to forget stay as a nightmare which is one version of a dream. Different pieces of memories I had as a child are constantly making sense as I get older, putting them together after coming to terms with reality. My sub conscience tests me to see if I am ready or willing to recognize or accept what I have either never dealt with or turned away before, but these are the memories that never go away. I was a strange child, although I was not taken care of like a child should be in my first 5 years. I instinctively sought after people who rejected me and I remember in all the memories stood an insecurity of not knowing what  I was doing wrong to not be getting the acceptance I thought I should feel. To this day I am still a bit like this because I seek after people's approval. I am very drawn to the people that are a challenge to get acceptance and I will go to the ends of the earth to feel as though I got it. Part of it is an underlying condition from trauma I had which created a lot of other insecurities. This can become very dangerous to not only your emotional state but physically as well.

Trauma, is behind all kinds of dreams especially for kids and emotionally sensitive souls. I am blessed in so many ways because now I can say I have come a long way in recovery from this. I am truly thankful and grateful for all the times I did not think I was going to make it through or when I felt inferior because I was being cut down by horrible names and being beaten up on. For all the times I lost people I loved under any circumstance, I can see it all differently now.  I am able to recognize the good that came from just about every situation that I felt cheated from. There are the situations  that go unseen because they haven't either been admitted to or it's just too painful to think about. Fear of confronting the truth can lead to denial, and many more problems down the road.

Maladaptive daydreamers use this tool to deal with feelings that they are not able to confront or don't know they even have. As a child I used my creativity as a way of spicing up my daily routine. Up until I was five did I not know what any of my good qualities or talents were because I was always hearing what I was doing wrong and scared of being told I had to go to another family because it wasn't working out. I remember putting all the blame on myself and so I apologized to everyone leading me to believe that the problem was always going to be me. I learned to observe personality and behave in a manner accordingly to avoid conflict so I might finally be able to find a home. I associated love with intimidation, control and becoming someone I was not. This was survival mode but it quickly grew into a mental disorder.    Every home that I remember going to I felt unwanted, uncomfortable, leading me to digestive problems and later moving to autoimmune issues.

One of the first "traumatic blessings" as I put it  was one that unknowingly haunted me for 35 years . A traumatic blessing is a situation that caused you great difficulties at that particular time but looking at it presently, you wouldn't be the person you are if it were never to have happened. Discovering the truth is seeing the path in which an event like this takes and understanding where it leads. Being so young I didn't know any difference but I can remember feeling as though I deserved better than what I was experiencing. This traumatic blessing is uncalled for in so many ways but it was reality and the circumstances led me to so many different blessings later. You cannot feel the greatest appreciation for something without feeling the struggle you faced to find it.

•••

I was screaming and crying so loud for attention, I was hungry and the rusted old van that came everyday to pick my mother and I up made my stomach tie in knots. My mother's anger from her drinking made my knots even tighter. It would seem she was angry with me but really it stemmed from her life in foster homes and of course drinking before she should have as she was just a child herself.  She would misbehave and I would have to go live somewhere else so when she had a stent of good behavior I could see her again but this was a cycle that happened a lot.