Vivid Imagination

My name

It was no doubt that Brad and I were two of a kind, even though everyone speculated that we were lovers, it was far from the truth. It was just nice to have someone that understood who I was and had the same interests as I did. To finally know there was someone as dramatic and creative as me was comforting. We both longed to be loved, accepted and mostly just live out our dreams. I was just eighteen years old when we moved in together in a little apartment. It was Sex and the City before Sex and the City. Brad was like the older brother who put up with the likes of my immature, naïve persona which was working for me so I stayed with it. Brad was a control freak and for the first couple years of our friendship I let that happen as I was a people pleaser and he liked to feel needed.

The day we went shopping for our first drag performance opened up a brand new chapter in my life. I remember it triggered so many memories of my daydreams but I tried to remain focused, this was for me now and I deserved to have my 100% attention. Brad was always babysitting me so it was a good distraction because I always needed to tend to his call or attention. As we shopped around looking and wondering who was going to make the first call out on an adorable outfit alert, Brad opened up and started to explain about how we should go about this new character development.

" You know it is like acting, we are going to play a character and it's our job to bring her to life. We choose her personality, we build her world up around her and we pretty much have control of her past, present and future. In Other words, we write the script for her." He looked at me with a look of desperation in hopes that I might have understood any of that. If only he knew that I was already the Queen of the ball in that department.

"I think I get you", I replied

"I think we will just know when we see the right outfit, shoes, hair. It will be just like when we go shopping for us on any day." Brad so confidently

      After that we just fell into the groove and our inner divas came out. We spent this fun filled day going to 15 stores and even though we both spent more money then we should of we agreed it was like an investment. I still after 20 years have my first wig that I bought that day. Its ugly now and was ugly then but I embrace it's loving memories. It symbolizes bravery and inner strength which is now a reminder of my personal growth. Brad and I still look back to recognize how far we have progressed which is one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life. Things you want will not happen right away or before your eyes but takes time to develop in which you learn to appreciate and gain self respect. That is a hard lesson to learn especially when you are always searching for something in which you will never find.

      Out of the blue a few days later while trying our clothes on again for the 50th time something just popped in my head that we had never talked about yet, which was pretty important if you were to start developing a new character.

" So.... Have you thought about what her name is going to be?" I asked abruptly.

" I have been giving that some thought and I just cannot figure this out. It has to be perfect. Most drag queens either have a campy, funny, or they have a first and last name given by their mentor or drag mother, but since we really don't have that I guess we can just make one up. However, we don't want to be like these queens that change their name every other week... not good for publicity.....you know?" he gave me that same look of confusion on my part.

"No, no I understand !" This was partly true. I really did not know what a drag mother was or what campy meant, hell in my daydream world my character just went by my name and I did not have a gender. I think I was a male but inside I felt female. Whenever I think back to some of the memories from those daydreams that character is remembered to be more female. Brad went through so many names it was beginning to get frustrating for the both of us because I said I wasn't going to even mention it until I knew for a fact of what it is.

       Several weeks later I went to bed early, I kept having triggers all day. Music, the news, shows I like and memories kept flashing in my head. I was determined to stay strong as in my dreams I couldn't escape this character I created. She had a hold on me like I was the only ticket to her freedom. She was trapped inside and her personality was so big that there was no room to hide anymore, as it was not only hurting her it was killing me. My vivid dreams of the Mickey Mouse Club, Chet and Andy Show, all my stories and characters in my head, the morning sky full of colors... and that Dove. The White Dove, a kind of white that is made up of fragments of all pigments generating beauty, love and peace. This being my purpose, my gift to share with others, the Dove came to me as a representation of hope and has been with me since. Fate comes in so many different forms in so many ways. We just need to peel away the distracting blinders to see these things. Life is about absorbing what we learn, having an open heart, it is keeping focused on your truth which is always looking forward. I think the hardest part of our job besides discovering what it is, is applying our gift to our own life. I am like that Dove, a messenger of hope and peace...that is why there is no other name suited for me. A name is a representation, a title that defines you; it is what people know you and remember you as. I was more proud of myself then ever, for this was another milestone of personal growth which I attracted in my life. That night I named my character..... Dove.