Vivid Imagination

Abandonment never leaves me

My adopted mother and I are INFJ personalities, we intuitively know things about people and have a comforting spirit which allows others to share a great deal of personal things. We are good one on one in social settings but only for so long. We share so much of our energy with others that we are somewhat of an electrical outlet giving out our energy. After so long we need to escape by ourselves to charge up. We also attract many different kinds of people from everywhere that would gravitate to us like they could sense we have something to give them. From all the great things my mother taught me, never judging anyone for anything would still be her legacy. She was a strong Christian woman with 'bulldog faith' as she put it. She believed that the things you cannot see physically that you hold desire for you act as though it has happened and feel the gratitude for it before you get it. I am an extension of her because she did some extraordinary things in her life, but coming from another generation I picked off where she left off. She helped so many people who were sent to her from God making them realize their value and purpose.

    My mother did not realize her value because sometimes it is hard to look at your own life and see it from a different perspective. Up until she passed away she was searching for what she thought her job was that God had for her. She was so busy searching and helping people, she didn't see that her whole life she was living her purpose. Unlike her, I explored different ways of thought, religion, spiritualism and every "ism" you could think of; which was the one thing that drove her crazy about me. I wanted to experience everything which wasn't the smartest thing but it sure sparked my imagination. Having a creative mind and a past for daydreaming, this left me open to making some bad choices. Like my mother, I was always searching for what I believed would make me happy just to find I was wrong. I was never satisfied, disappointed and always in a hurry to get away to find the next best idea. I think escaping gave me a sense of control with no limits with no expectations or let downs.
     Even daydreaming as a child I had gratefulness in my heart which I based all of my thoughts on. My desire was for a better world around me, a better me and my intentions were aligned with what was originally destined for me.  This brought me blessings in my life as I am a firm believer in the law of attraction, however when I stayed in a non perfect world full of situations I couldn't control I was never satisfied,  I became negative.  I was never really taught how to deal with emotional stress, I had always gone to my own world instead of dealing with things or I was spoiled enough that my parents let me have my way. My parents wanted a child so bad that when they got me they treated me as gentle as a piece of china. They did everything and more to keep me happy and it wasn't long before I took this and ran with it.  God blessed me with parents and I was so grateful for this but like each great blessing there is a test of worthiness. I don't believe that we are just granted the things we want just because we ask. A blessing means a gift that is given because everything is in alignment with the need. Just like it can be given, it can be taken.

     I was an only child and missed that lesson that teaches about how to function socially with people my age and share personal time. So naturally I am always concerned about my personal space and have some control issues in all my relationships. This didn't seem like a major issue when I was a kid but later in life it became a handicap.

    I like to look at trauma like passive income. You can earn what you need from it as a blessing, and take the blessings to keep improving your life and everyone else's for years to come, or you can pay very dearly with defeat and suffer with more to come from it the rest of your life. For most of my life I paid a hefty price for being abandoned and because I was letting it rule me, I was suffering in every area of my life. Trauma never leaves you... ever, but it's our choice whether we let it lead us or we decide to have power over it. Abandonment never leaves my side, it's in every relationship, every job, every idea I have, but until I realized I wanted it to stop defining my role in every situation, I was abandoned by everything and everyone.