Vivid Imagination

The dream I will never forget

I am innocent, I am professionally driven, I would cause myself to get behind before I would push myself in front of anyone. My heart is very tender as anyone can view it on my sleeve. I hold the key to my soul but forgot where I hid it. I am a bit skeptical of myself for trust is something earned. I am pure, but polluted with insecurities, my determination to be myself took a path that led me to a world of adventure teaching and guiding me. This world is a dream, it is a life of human existence, pain, love, and growth. It is a place where nobody knows where it is. There are no directions, you can not follow footprints and you cannot leave bread crumbs behind to lead you home. You can fall asleep in one place and wake up halfway across the world. Hiding from fears is called escape and when you get home sick clicking your heels three times will return you home or right back where you were.

I woke up unnaturally early feeling refreshed and raring to proceed my routine for the school day. I was feeling very different today, in fact every morning my stomach turned in fear and my routine consisted of looking in the mirror to see if maybe I was waking up to someone other than myself. I ran to the mirror, it was me but I didn't feel disappointed.  In fact I did not even understand what I was worried about in the first place. As I glared into the mirror I glowed, I felt good, confident, alive. I began to sing, I was slightly surprised as these notes came out how well I was doing but happiness and joy can do some very incredible miracles. I continued to naturally let out this new found joy in song and dance. I soon discovered happiness is a rush, a high in which I never experienced until then. I recognized everything around me yet it all had an extra flare. It was perfect and exactly how I had dreamt perfection was.

Suddenly everything shifted, the song I was singing perfectly blended into a mix of songs that made me smile and my body want to move. The kind of music that gives you life. I could see myself differently. Before the only way I could see myself was from the inside out, now I could see myself like I see everyone else. I could see every move I make like I was watching a movie. The music rang through my soul and gave me goosebumps. As I sang along, my voice harmonized the vocals like I had been doing it for years. The more inspired I got the more miraculous my performance got. Suddenly I was not alone, Amber and Aaron, a couple of classmates of my class joined me on the dance floor. I adored these guys, as I obsessively and secretly wanted to be their friend. Everyone adored them and they were oddly mature for their age and their relationship with each other proved they were old souls. At that time I had convinced myself that I secretly had a crush on Amber and wanted to be best friends with Aaron. I knew the three of us would have the time of our lives together. I would sit for hours thinking up what and where we could go and adventures that we would go on. By now, in my head the three of us had our future planned out by me but in reality I had maybe said hi to one of them. If they only knew how close and intimate our relationship was to me. The more I came up with the weirder I felt about me; yet that put my head back to the place to think up more.

Amber and Aaron seemed to do what I did; I moved to the left and they moved to the left. I smiled, laughed, danced, relaxed, they did the same. This was incredible, the people I adored were doing what I wanted. I must have done something good.

Everything shifted, I was in a tuxedo and we were all in a beautiful church. Amber was in a wedding dress as Aaron was wearing the same exact tuxedo as I was wearing. Only I found myself acting as though I was serving them at their wedding. I had a towel folded over my right arm as though I was a butler. I was confused, and suddenly Amber came quickly over to me dancing in arms with Aaron. She whispered to me
"Don't worry, your next, then we all will be happy together forever."
My concerned spirit was quickly comforted by her sweet voice which still echoes through my head after all these years.
We danced all night, we sang, laughed and I was this person I always wanted to be. I had no idea where we were, I had no idea how I got there or how I was getting back. I just knew I never wanted to go back. I suddenly said to them,
"What are we going to do when we get back to school, won't everyone be jealous of us and how much fun together?"
They suddenly looked up with pale faces, everything was fading out, and Amber and Aaron felt distant and slowly became strangers as everything shifted again.

My eyes were shut and sadly my senses told me everything around me was the way it was and I was dreaming. I prayed that if I kept my eyes shut I could go back to sleep and pick up right where I had left off. Tears welled up in my eyes forcing them to open, I knew that was it the end.

As I got ready for school something strange was happening, I was brushing my teeth thinking about the dream and imagined both of them with me in that bathroom brushing their teeth with me. I felt that high and happiness again. As I got dressed, I thought this is stupid, not normal as I tried to shack it off. This was concerning me because I would walk into a room and the first thing I would think was where are they? I would walk in with the feeling of them watching every move I made.

School was weird because they were there, although they didn't even look at me like usual. I found myself staring at them even more. I felt more like myself then ever which was not good. My mother picked me up from school and I was noticeably upset. She asked me if anything happened at school that I wanted to talk about. I said nothing happened , nothing. She replied asking , "Well what do you want to happen?"
I thought for a minute about telling her everything but I replied, "What I want for once." she looked at me, and moments later after a pause of silence she firmly said
"You can make anything you want, it is your choice to be happy. If you can't find it, make it."
I know if she really knew what was going on she would not have said that but how appropriate it was; and yet maybe she did. My mother was a woman of chasing dreams and following your heart. This changed my life forever from that moment on.

Everyday got easier, not just easier but more fun. After that night, I took what my mother said and I took it to heart. Everything I dreamt that night was what I wanted to be happy. She told me to make my happiness if I couldn't find it. Now, looking back at being five years old, how is one supposed to know what happiness is? We all have instincts and feelings, inspirations and urges no matter what age we are. We all know what we want or think we know what we want.
Up until then my life suffered from the lack of security and intimate relationships. Being four years old and being told by your birth mother that she can't take care of you anymore felt like she just didn't want me. I remember feeling like I was just in the way. All the foster homes I was in made me feel like I was just an add on and I had no real permanent home. Even when I was adopted I felt unsettled; even though I had loving parents and received more than enough love, when the damage has been done you never forget.

When trauma happens when you are a child it sets certain warning signs and reactions that happen later. The dream I had that night was a reaction my body was telling me what I needed. I never had another dream like that in fact Aaron and Amber never till this day were in any dream of mine. I wanted so badly to go back to sleep and start off where I left off and never wake up. Well reality is I had to wake up and as close and intimate I felt towards them, they still didn't know I existed; they didn't share the awesome adventure and the closeness I have with them. I know it sounds strange but I truly loved them for what I knew of love then. I had butterflies when I thought about them. The biggest thing to all this was my feelings toward Aaron, being another boy that is. You would think that I would have made it a big deal being the first time I had feelings like this for another boy. Surprisingly enough I did not even think of this fact until years later. I had made the dream and the storyline of the three of us continuing together my waking obsession. It took up so much of my time that my very first thoughts of being a homosexual was put on the backburner.