Vivid Imagination

Chemical reaction

    I continued to perform at the bar about once a week. Being on stage wasn't like in my daydreams where I could fast forward and make things happen in the blink of an eye but I also understood that it would not work that way now. It took about a year before Fiona and I really got a name for ourselves and really were starting to get booked other jobs at different places. This took work on our part, as it is a cut throat business. This took time and money and it really was like supporting a whole other person. We both put our all into working ourselves up the chain and were known as the twin duo. We were a package deal when it came to getting gigs as club owners and party hosts began to notice how much fun people had around us as we hopped around to all different venues. We eventually claimed our fame as 'circuit queens'.
      This was one of the first things I accomplished and made happen that I desired which I didn't realize at that time as I took a lot for granted. If we weren't performing we were out partying with everyone every other night of the week. Going out every night and partying has a hefty price tag on your daytime routine. Up until then I had never been drunk or done any drugs but I was curious about drugs and really thought that people that did them were very interesting and I wanted to know about it. Of course Fiona was the same way only worse than me, she was very prissy when it came to that sort of thing. To my surprise one evening out she brought up that she wanted to try ecstasy which everyone was doing at the time. Being out in that environment I would watch people who appeared 'high' and to my observation they seemed like they were mostly in a land a lot like my daydreams; not a care in the world and feeling a better sense of self image.

    I was unresponsive to Fiona's offer for the rest of the evening because I could feel a war going on inside me. I remember I was not afraid of getting addicted. I was afraid of it killing me, when I should have been afraid of it all. For the next couple weeks I ran from the question every time she would bring it up because I wanted time to really observe the people who were doing it around me a bit longer so I knew exactly what I was going to expect. That Friday night which was not our evening to perform we were on the way to the bar like clockwork and Fiona was very anxious to get to the bar.

"I have got a surprise for you." she said as my stomach turned.

She reached into her purse and pulled out a little clear bag which looked like a tiny button bag. As she shook it with excitement I could see two pale blue pills that looked like candy.

"What are those?" I asked.

I knew this was it because she had me where I could not go anywhere.

"These are two of the finest grade MDMA double stacked tulips, meaning two hits in one and you and I are going to take them tonight."

      Slowly the car got quiet and that excitement turned into quiet time of nervousness. People do drugs all the time, this is going to be fun. Everyone does it and who knows it might boost our career. Suddenly I found myself with Fiona standing at the bar each of us with a bottle of water in one hand and a pill in the other. I knew I had to do something soon because the sweat from my hand was going to melt it away. We gave each other one fast look and we both popped it and slammed it. I remember I didn't feel much for the first fifteen minutes and as soon as I convinced myself that I must just have that tolerance for medication my ears began to ring and I found that the music sounded so incredible that I just had to move with the beat. I became a bit warm as I could tell Fiona was already a bit ahead as she was already on the dance floor swinging around like I had never seen her before. As I ran to join her they turned the fans on the dance floor and it was like a thousand fingers lightly running through your hair but throughout my entire body. It gave the word refreshing a whole new meaning. As I danced more I found myself impressed with how I could move. All I could say to Fiona was how good I felt. The high was so intense that everything, everybody was perfect, moments of incredible joy that made you smile from the tips of your toes and you felt perfect about where you were and who you are and nothing could be better than this moment right here right now. The night was over in an instant and that perfect feeling lasted throughout the night. Like all good things, after experiencing such delight you automatically make it a regular thing. The next evening leads to a habit of the same thing and so on. Like anyone who has ever done drugs before can tell you that time does not exist , it is gone before you know it, next thing you know is you wake up one day and you are really not sure what happened; and in that somewhere in that time everything you were planning on doing, relationships you were working on, and things that were important to you somehow took an exit from your life. You slowly realize that your top priority is seeking out that perfect feeling in which cradled and fixed everything that was wrong in your life at the time.

    Daydreaming is much like this and I suppose I kept going there seeking the feeling it gave me. Being a Maladaptive daydreamer, I was always seeking that daydream to come true, searching for something whether it be my dreams of something better or relationships that had something I lacked from ones I presently had. Having a creative mind that was always working, I built this perfect world for myself in which I thought I should have.            

       Substance abuse and maladaptive daydreaming hold each other's hand. They go together like birds and feathers. Drugs gave me a whole new outlook on everything, especially myself.  Senses about how I felt about myself, how I felt about what's going on around me, and even deeper the intuition I was beginning to develop soared. MDMA, which is also called Empathy, instilled in me a sense of every feeling there is out there. Before, I could only feel what I allowed myself to feel but this drug took me to feel things I could never imagine. Each person only knows what it is like to experience things for themselves so when you ask someone to explain how they feel, you can only relate. MDMA takes that to the next level, it heightens your senses to however much you allow. I remember back the first night I took it and the first sense that kicked up was the sound of the music. I had heard the song that was playing many times before, but that night I heard it differently. I heard it through heightened sensory, and it moved me beyond words, moved me so much that it physically affected me and made me want to express how I felt through dance. The next sense was the wind the fans were putting out that hit my body, I had never felt anything so good in my life. On the contrast , if it can make good feelings feel that great, well you can imagine what it does to the bad. In everything there is a balance, and too much of anything is not good. With my personality and the way I live my life, accepting the fact that I am just someone who over indulges was an incredible task. I cannot be moderate about anything and this is a good and bad thing so nevertheless drugs were something that I had a hard time keeping at a recreational habit.

     For some time, Fiona and I really just cut our drug use down to just weekends and that was probably where we should have left it. Drug use in itself is like a fantasy world because you are feeling what you want while ignoring your true problems, and becoming someone that you are not afraid to be. They surprisingly made me very creative in my performance, as I think back on it now I really thought I was in control of this character building but really it was the drugs that were molding me. I became very social, outgoing which landed me more jobs and I was doing well at work being a hairdresser, and I even landed myself a wonderful boyfriend named Steven. It had been a long time since I had wandered off into a daydream because it was all coming true in my reality. I was starting to get fans who would come to see me and I was feeling important and needed like I had longed for.