Vivid Imagination

Adjusting who I am (the many characters inside)

     When we suppress our feelings, at the time it feels good because we basically keep pushing them further and further away from us in hopes that they eventually go away. Then there are those that don't even acknowledge or know that something in their past is the root of what's going on. This was of course my problem as I never wanted to deal with any of my trauma that happened to me.

      From the first day I was on this earth it was my instinct that in order to survive I had to please everybody. What I mean by that is not just making people happy but actually being someone different for everyone just so they will like me and I would like myself. I always had a great intuition about people, I have a gift which I took for granted for a long time. I have an instinct about people that normally people wouldn't see. My specialty is feelings, understanding and compassion. My magnetism for the 'wild ones' as my parents would put it remains the same now as it always was. I was always fascinated with people who did drugs, rebelled, and lived on the wild side of life. I was just amazed at the thought of letting your life spin out of control and living on the edge. I had a few cousins that were big into drugs that were older than me but they were my heros! I always heard the adults talking about them, praying for them and they always had everyone's attention. Everyone would drop everything in a split second for them and I think that's what was so thrilling to me. Deep down I could tell that all the adults that would complain and be bothered by them were all secretly jealous, something made them angry because they couldn't let their guard down to have fun and be daring. My parents tried to keep me so far away from all that I was craving, what they didn't know was that my wild imagination was just as good as the real thing. So if I was shut out of the things I wanted to do, I lived it anyway in my daydreams. There I lived bigger and better than I could even have imagined. Everything that I had passion for I did it well. I would research it up and down, and know everything you could possibly know. I was already a drug addict before I even touched drugs.

     For myself, part of Maladaptive Daydreaming was switching personalities for everyone as needed because I would pretend and act like someone I wasn't not. I lost out completely after a while of who the true me was. I could be all over the charts with these characters. It would be no time before I knew how I needed to be after meeting someone to get along with them. This really carried over from having to do this in all my foster homes and people I thought I needed to impress so I could stay alive and have a home. Some of the frequent personalities I have used:

    Extrovert/confident: this personality was shown around my parents for sure at home, a few close friends but not really until later on in my late teens when friends get to see this side. This person was a social butterfly, very outspoken and was very clever with words. This character is not afraid to confront anyone about anything. They had people adore them and got in trouble often for talking too much, and had a judgmental attitude. They were obsessed with being with the right crowd and staying with only them by being somewhat of a snob..

     Introvert/dreamer/creative: this person was responsible for my daydreams and  the contents of my head. This personality recharged and regrouped by spending hours alone and loved to be around others but only for a short time. After a while this personality would have to leave when they got that empty feeling. This personality was seen by just about everyone at one point or another. They have extremes of the lows and highs and things that are secrets are very intimately held close and protected. Teachers, older adults, and family members saw this.

     Educated/whitty old soul:  Since I was young I had an odd connection with adults and they would feel like they could talk to me about anything. This was no joke! Because of being a people pleaser, whenever anyone would come and tell me their storey (which happens all the time) I would listen and genuinely be involved with them in their conversation. I would make them feel like by the time they were done that they were good people, had nothing to worry about and a hunger to stay around me because I made them feel good about themselves. I would and still do just know exactly the right thing to say.. even if it was wrong it was right at that moment. This category is the closest to who I am truthfully. I didn't know this years ago and talking to people one on one just came naturally to me. People really looked up to me as a strong and smart individual which I adored, I just wish I would have seen the truth in it without thinking I was acting.

       Airhead blond/comedian: There are these certain people in my life that since I was a child, I have always had the urge to act like an absolute airhead. This one confuses me a bit to why I do it but it is the most fun. It amazes me to say it takes a real smart person to be that stupid!  There are some very intelligent people that I have seen dumbfounded by some of things that have been said by some "not so smart" people and yet after pondering it they all have said ,
"Wow, I never looked at it that way, that does make sense."
What I have learned from this character is that there is no wrong way of thinking, and there are for sure other ways around solving problems, thinking, feeling, and the way you view the world. We have to remember learning is being introduced to a way other than our own and understand to accept it and choose to apply it. This character would come out a lot at school and it seemed like I did this because it just so happened to be my reaction to people that were intimidating, or i had a crush on. Instead of standing up for myself or having to firmly justify something I believed in I would play stupid. I remember one of the first times this happened and it just so happened to be one of those times where the teacher calls on you to answer a question and it's all crickets. All the kids turned around to look at me as I felt the boiling heat of embarrassment  rise up on my blank face. Insecurity does wonders for my body functions and can make me do the most out of character things. I am not real sure what it is I said  but obviously I did not answer the question in the way anyone especially the teacher was expecting. Whatever it is that I said surprised me because before I knew it the teacher was laughing and my fellow classmates joined in with her. My reaction then followed to playing stupid to that which made them laugh more and on the merry go round I went again. So it is no surprise that this was a character I played a lot because I was always a little insecure .

     Goodie Goodie- This happened came out more when I got older because when I was young this character was true to the fact. The people who were exposed to this one were my parent's friends, teachers and other adults that really didn't need  to see the dark side to me. I played this part very seldom and sometimes I wish that this was the true me but who am I fooling?

       Having said all that it has come to my realization that I am certainly not alone in this. Many of us have or do experience this. We are all actors in a dramatic world. We react, say, do whatever it takes in certain situations for many different reasons. Sometimes it is just fun being someone else for a change. It can become addictive and again it is like jumping on that merry go round cycling around and around to never go anywhere. Maladaptive daydreaming has many layers and depths to it. There is not one person on this earth that hasn't experienced some sort of piece of all this. Most everyone does this as a kid and this is when our  imagination runs wild and 'pretend' or make-believe is completely acceptable.. However some people never grow out of this and never want to leave their safe place.