Vivid Imagination

Maladaptive Hormones

      In my teenage years, I pushed my sexuality into my daydreams where it was ok to be who I was and nobody asked, therefore I was completely fine. In reality I just hoped it would go away or maybe I would just try it once, have a boyfriend for a little while and then be normal. Unfortunately, neither is the smartest plan.  Sadly enough people make this mistake all the time and do not realize the lives that are affected by it. I always found girls to be pretty but I was always wanting to wear their clothes and be pretty myself. We all have that moment where puberty takes off and for most of us it's a situation where we are completely taken back by our sexual attraction toward someone.
        I was a late bloomer mostly due to fear. By now I certainly had my sexual attractions but I acknowledged them by having relationships and sexual satisfaction in my daydreams. This way there was no judgment, no rejection, I could have who I wanted and things went my way. Unfortunately, I had blocked out the fact that I had experienced sexual abuse when I was a kid and having that as your "first time" leaves a bad impression and many other problems which I was never prepared for.            Most likely everyone's first time was awkward because hormones are so crazy so it doesn't usually last long which then leaves us wanting more and more. Well I of course had two first times one in reality and one in my daydream.

The daydream version

     The rain was pounding down, Cory and a bunch of us that were all cast on the Mickey Mouse Club, decided we were going to have a night out of fun before we had to start filming everyday for months. We all were such great friends and I never felt closer to anyone than I did with those guys. I felt extremely close to Cory as our conversations about just about anything was so intense. I had never before felt such a connection to someone and this was different then my other acquaintances. All my attention was focused on us as it seemed like he was really interested in me. Everytime we talked to each other he would look at me eye to eye, it was intense and I wanted more. I loved the way he stared at me and I know he liked it as we never seemed to do anything but be with each other. We would be the two that are always running late, found just daydreaming and in gulfed in our interaction. My stomach would flutter when he would come around and it intoxicated me with wanting more.

      That evening we went and had dinner as a group, played board games and stayed up pretty late laughing  and and just doing everything that we never had time to do. Of course Cory and I were the last ones up. He looked at me with those eyes from across the room and smiled, he would always chew a piece of spearmint gum which made his mouth as fresh as his pearly whites. As he spoke he smiled all the time and of course he looked straight into your eyes when he communicated with you. I remember the thing that I was most wildly attracted to was he had a way of teasing you in a friendly manner whenever he liked you. It was good attention and it drove me crazy in every sense of the word.  He would always tease me about being a dumb blonde and being a bit of an airhead. I loved it so I egged it on ...a lot.
"I bet you don't know what I'm thinking'" he said with a devilish grin. I could hardly look at him straight on and I know my face had to be shiny red with a dose of bashful. My heart fluttered and the reacting function was to giggle.

"You are so funny, you know that?'" he asked.
"Me?..."
"Yeah you dummy, who else would I be talking to? I bet you know what I'm thinking.. I'm just going to have to force it out of you."

    I could hear him get up to move towards me as I thought my heart was going to beat him to the course. I quickly looked up to find his eyes in mine, he smelled like a fresh, sporty aroma. I could feel his body heat like he had been sitting in a hot tub.

"I am just going to have to tickle you.!"

       His hands poking into both sides of my ribs very aggressively we both jumped. I returned the gesture by doing the same. We locked eyes for what seemed to be years and whether or not I was ticklish or not didn't even matter at this point.