Vivid Imagination

Drag queens and leather daddies

    By the time I had come out of the closet about being gay, my self confidence had reached new heights. I was very concerned about letting loved ones down, surprising people beyond words and dreading having to explain the whole saga to everyone before word got around to them first. The day my white flag went up, surrendering to my disbelief in my feelings about who I desired and how I felt when I saw a handsome male, was a monumental holiday in my life. It brought my desire to be "me' and work on me like I did my successful fantasy character who I so seldom was anymore. I now believe that character was another beautiful color brought to me that I accepted and grew to eventually be secure in who I am today.

      My 21st birthday was coming up and I was so excited to go to my first gay bar and be around people who were like me and maybe meet someone! By this time I was ready to try and have a real relationship like what I had throughout my Mickey Mouse Club days. My best friend whom I was sharing an apartment with was taking me out. He was a bit older and was quite an influence on me since he was about the most openly gay person I had met. Brad was a little guy who was into acting and theatre, was sassy and fun to be around. We hit it off just as friends and for years to come we were attached by the hip. We often thought that it was kind of a hindrance in the boyfriend department for either of us because most people thought everywhere we went that we were together.

    That evening I dressed in the best outfit I had, spent time doing my hair and as I walked into Brad's bathroom I noticed him brushing a bronzer on his face followed by mascara. As I  looked puzzled I could hear him mumbling to himself,

"Not too much now Brad, you don't wanna wear more then the drag queens."

"What do you mean?" I said chuckling

"Drag Queens, gay bar, ahhh, where we are going?? Oh I forgot you have never been, well they have shows there in the bar where men dress up like woman, you know like Cher and perform their songs. Like in Vegas?? " For a moment I had to catch my breath and I'm not sure why, I was drawn in, I had a million questions but I settled for...

"Are you about ready?"

       My heart pounded and my breathing became heavy, I was uncertain whether I was excited or unsure if this was just out of my comfort zone. I deserved this and I was actually doing something for myself in my reality world. As we were walking up to the bar Brad and I didn't say much as I think he was nervous for me and maybe he was alittle nervous himself.

"Ok, get your id out!"

As we entered the line that wrapped around the building, my eyes got big. All these guys around me are like me! They all have the secret I have. Just then, like my whole life whenever insecurity would arise it began. As I stood in that line, surrounded by a new environment where I felt vulnerable it began. My urge to jump into my other character and make up a story about where I was, why I was there, who was with me, who was watching me and feeling that rush of being recognized for how great I was. This was not going to happen this time, I was not going to let my life be robbed from anymore. To this point, every event in my life had been taken over by my attention seeking other half. It took a great deal to get to this point and I did it all on my own. I should enjoy something I have earned whole heartedly.

"Are you ok?" Brad said as my palms were sweating.

I heard him but it was like some character from peanuts BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH . I looked over at Brad and instantly he turned into one of my celebrity friends that I went to all the LA clubs with. As the beat from the club grew louder into music that got the mood going I felt completely comfortable where I wanted to dance. Everyone moved out of our way as our body guard grabbed our arm to move us to the front of the line. I could hear my name being said under many voices as I reminded myself to keep the smile on my face, but suddenly I felt like I was being pulled back from someone.