Vivid Imagination

The ghost behind our doors

  There are many ideas of what a ghost is and whether or not they exist. For me personally,  a ghost is anything that "haunts" you from things in your past or energy that needs to be let go. Sometimes they are messages sent to us in the form of energy that needs to be set free, but I have discovered some "ghosts" in my life that have been haunting me all my life.
Before my mother passed away she told me about my biological mother wanting to get a hold of me and at the time I couldn't handle even thinking about it with all the things going on at the time. I placed the thought with all the other things I put behind closed doors so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now the idea was scratching to come out. I gave it a lot of thought, even rehearsing what I would say and one day I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to let this ghost go, free it from my past and say goodbye to hanging on to something that was harming me.
This was a hard choice but I had to learn that it wasn't my fault I was given up on, abused, scared, and mistreated, and I wasn't going to let that part of my life rule who I was anymore. Getting to know my mother and grandmother was something that sparked my interest but why would I stay on that merry go round, retract back to old feelings, and be haunted by the ghosts I have been running from that made me want to be someone I am not? Honestly, it wasn't healthy because there was a reason they weren't in my life and that's how it should stay.
Months later I received an email from my mother who tracked down someone who knew me and they gave her my email. My grandmother had passed away from liver failure due to drinking and my mother was on her way down the same road. She became a lesbian and can not keep a relationship very long so she moved all over from one to the next and clearly searching for acceptance herself. I could tell that she was really screwed up over a lot of guilt and was looking for more things to feel sad about as she was addicted to feeling sorry for herself; much like I was doing. I knew then I had to break away from her. I responded :
Thanks for the note. Sorry to hear about your loss, I can relate, I lost two mothers in my lifetime.
Best wishes and God Bless.

My performing slowed down but my dressing up as Dove did not stop. My evenings were filled with  putting on makeup and daydreaming. I was slowly becoming this character, I was Jonathan during the day and Dove by night. I was slowly doing everything as Dove and almost everyone that knew me (except my co workers and clients) called me Dove. This character was a carbon copy of who I wanted to be but in my mind I couldn't.  Jonathan was getting further and further from my thoughts and concerns. I had practiced and threw my passion into perfecting and making Dove just the way I imagined in every aspect of my imagination. She was kind, and giving, with a slight edge of sass. Dove radiated elegance and old Hollywood fashion, she defined bombshell while never bombarding the spotlight. She also had a presence of comfort knowing just the right thing to say at the right time for the right person. I developed my skills of intuition and I remember fearing it, questioning why I have it and how much is to much to know. I sometimes doubted myself, making out to be just my imagination. I could read people's thoughts, I knew their fears and I  understood the things about them that they shared secretively with me. I developed trust and security in people by the first couple moments of meeting. This is an empowering gift to have and these gifts should be used only for what they are given for. I began to get a big head from all this and again addiction started overcoming.
     I was getting the itch to start dating again, as I suppose I was a little lonely. Most of the people I knew my age where all married with children by now and all I had was my job and a drug habit. But I had an exciting life, everyone told me that I was lucky because I did not have to answer to anyone, I could do whatever I want whenever I want. This was correct but I have learned that some restrictions on what you want is a very good thing. Doing things that you want to do all the time leads to a very lonely place. This again being a lesson I was to learn after the fact. So, you can imagine I didn't have much luck in the dating department. I looked for all the people who needed to be saved, because that made me feel like I was needed but I only got used.  I was a drag queen, so that meant I had to find a gay guy (and mind you gay guys don't like women or drama anymore then they are already) that would let me be in the spotlight, I wasn't into open relationships or being cheated on so that took out 90 percent of the population. I came up with the conclusion I never wanted to live with anyone because I needed my privacy to daydream and fantasize, recharge my energy and I certainly wasn't  going to give up my drugs. I did not know what I wanted and besides Dove always got so much more attention then Jonathan.
     Dove needed a boyfriend and I wanted to experience sex being Dove and before now in my daydream she was always thought of as a female but I never could completely make up my mind about if I was a boy or a girl. When I created her for my shows I became a drag queen, but something has changed and I feel like I am becoming her, I feel like I am free and myself when I am in woman form. Could I be a transexual? It all makes sense ....I gave it a lot of thought every night as I put on my makeup for quite a long time. Since I do drag everyday what do I have to loose? I have basically lived a double life all my life so what is the difference?         
       Speed gave me the largest depth perception on thoughts and ideas, at that time it opened my soul up to different ideas and ways of life without judgment. It gave me intelligence by figuring out the odd ways that no one else could see or figure out and it really made me function better at a pace that my body was aligned with.
I was going to place a real ad on a dating site as Dove and see what happens. I was so excited and of coarse I really sat down and asked myself what is it really that I am expecting or wanting from this. If I am not real how can anyone take me seriously? But who cares! I am doing this for me and if anything I will have some really good stories come from all this.
      I was starting to notice just then that I was forgetting about Jonathan and maybe this whole thing was becoming a problem, another addiction, but then the thought was quickly pushed aside by more drug use closing Jonathan behind that door of suppression.
        My daydreaming had completely vanished about my character when it came to Dove, as there was no need because I had literally become her. Interesting enough I would find myself still daydreaming about other things such as people in my life and present situations on a daily basis. I was still daydreaming trying to find an even better perfection. This just proves that what we think is perfect is not always what we think will make us happy.
      Obviously now in my life this had gone on for so long that I think it was just the way my mind functioned and reacted to my down time. Whenever I would feel the slightest bit of boredom, I would quickly react by making up an exciting story with exciting people in which I would act out, filling up the time. Boredom and the thought of nothing to look forward to was always my biggest fear. Nothing bothered me and feared me more than not knowing what to do, even with just me because I never got to know who I was.
     At home alone was an interesting display of someone playing house like a little child.  I was constantly busy doing something whether it be cleaning, makeup, having conversations with the characters that I was involved with and repeating scenes until I got it just right. Listening to music and performing in my living room pretending it was a big stage and everyone was there to see me as I would repeat these incredible moments over and over because the rush I would get each time was greater . I would sometimes repeat performing the same song 20 or more times in a row. In a sense I didn't become Dove in my reality world, I became Dove hidden away in my reality. In most cases, its never a good thing to move your fantasy world into reality because it usually destroys your fantasy and becomes something else you want to run away from.  The whole reason why we escape to our own world is because we want to get away from reality.
        I was extremely excited to put myself out there in the dating world as Dove. I had gotten a taste of this throughout the years I had been performing but mostly by bi sexual men or straight men that said they liked chicks with dicks but I twirled around with the idea from time to time and loved the attention I got. I was never stalked and obsessed over as Jonathan like I was as Dove.
Self confidence is quickly granted to those who are intently seeking compliments. I filled out my profile very truthfully but brief, I did not give much information but just enough to answer the basics about me. It was that night that I had my first date with someone brand new and believe me I had a lot to pick from.
I remember the first one being very awkward, I needed to get high because the thought of inviting a stranger over to my house at night while I am dressed up like a woman was not the safest thing. Well, it went so well that I found myself in another addictive pattern. I was inviting several different men a week over and having a blast. I was very lucky as I am sure God was looking out for me. I started to notice something after a while and this was a pattern that I was following throughout my life; I was balancing all my self destruction with something positive that would come from the situation.  I noticed that almost every man I met expected that we were going to just have sex and that would be it, but this was not so. Most every guy I met would come over probably a little more nervous than I was because they were fulfilling a fantasy of theirs that they never dreamed would ever happen. Being that my call in life is to help people understand themselves, love themselves and know their value, I was a great host. Most of them felt relaxed the moment they sat down in my house. I would always start by reading their body language and the way they would respond to my movement. I would be very talkative and be generally interested  in them.  By that time I would know if there was any physical chemistry between us and then before I knew it an hour or so would have gone by and we are talking about everything under the sun.  Then the conversation would turn to talking about me. This is where it gets interesting looking back now on it and how all this attracts and retracts from daydreaming.