Vivid Imagination

Choices to Change

    In the course of the life I had chosen for myself came along many hard times which indeed I felt I had no choice but to accept. Just as a downward spiral continues further and further away from the top, the choices I was making for myself was going in this direction. Like all habits, even doing the things that aren't good for you just become second nature.

      By this time my daydreaming was not over like I had told myself. I was under the impression that the fantasy world I would escape to was a phase that I outgrew. Like most addictions, I basically traded one for another; I just moved my this world in with me in reality. This all started when I became Dove. Dove was a character I had created from the very beginning of my fantasies about the perfect person I wanted to become. I made it come true, as I was doing things that I only dreamed about. I was on stage artistically performing, wearing beautiful clothes, having fans that come see me and going and doing some incredible things. I was making great money at my job in which I balanced with performing, I had my best friend Fiona, my boyfriend Steven, I had bought a house and had the car of my dreams all by the time I was 21. I was outgoing now, people were attracted to my personality as I was meeting new people all the time and partying it up like a rock star. I remember thinking that I needed to keep control over how much I was performing as I was often hearing about other drag queens saying that their diva ego would start to take over their life and that's when it all falls apart. I really had no idea what they were talking about. I began to love the way I felt about everything in my life and was just smooth sailing.

     Steven, my boyfriend had just graduated from college and moved in with Fiona and I in the house I had bought. Steven at the time was fond of the bottle but back then it went just fine with my drug use. Fiona did not take this move in very well as I mentioned before that she was a bit of a control freak. My attention was suddenly off of her and our friendship and was more on my relationship. Steven and Fiona tolerated each other and I was unaware of some of the rude comments Fiona would say to Steven when I wasn't around. All of us started to engage in more drugs because it lightened up the mood around the house. Steven and I always got along good but remained under stress when it came to the point of being confined to our bedroom. Fiona got so overbearing with jealousy and hurt feelings that she basically was making our lives hell. Fiona isn't the easiest person to live with, as it is her way or the highway and up until then I let her have that role. It was far better than arguing with her. Although the minute I bought my own house and made the decision to move my own boyfriend in without asking her caused a war. Maybe I should not have become the dominant one over night.
      Fiona was the top at her game at work before this happened too, she was the best server I still have ever seen. She was making money, in management, and was making more friends than I was. The partying started to get to her a little faster than it did me. She would not get up on time for work, would not show up, over and over and over. She would get fired, start at a new place, be good for a while and repeat. I had mentioned before about addiction growing stronger with repetitive actions, well this is a very good example. Fiona was a maladaptive daydreamer as well but in a whole different way.
       For her it started out from the death of her father at the age of 4. He was in the service flying a plane and got shot down. The family which consisted of all older females except him (Brad) never got to say goodbye or have any kind of closure. Fiona being the only male felt a sense of control and responsibility. Later, this all carried out in all relationships as overbearing. Fiona is very stubborn and will not do anything she doesn't want to do and has the temper to go along with it. Drugs started robbing her of her daily habits that was her regiment, she had a system for everything and wasn't afraid to tell you that her way was the correct way. Having never had closure and then felt like she had all the duties of the dad role resting on her shoulders. Her relationships were always intense and she had to be in control and things had to go her way. When she felt like she was out of the loop or being separated from her comfort zone she was gone. Her daydreaming was not a fantasy world or somewhere over the rainbow dreaming about being someone else; it was more about her present life with all the same people but it's the way she perceived and saw her environment which many times was far from reality.
       She was always searching for love and someone to see things in the way she did; she longed for someone to understand life just like her. Fiona was searching for a man to love just like her dad. As much as it sounds crazy when I say that because how would anyone know what to search for if he died when Fiona was four? Well she knew, and part of that is from her daydreaming and carrying him with her throughout her life building his character and going through life with this character as if he was alive. Any man that she took a liking to all had to have that character that her dad had, but she has never found that.