Vivid Imagination

My debut

      Part of daydreaming is the search for what is thought to be perfection. It is different for everyone and constantly changing so it's impossible to achieve and we waste so much time worrying about it. Up until now, I used my emptiness for an excuse to seek out excitement and when it wasn't found I made it up. I missed out on a lot of growth and personal development in my life due to concentrating on the person I was much more interested in being and that was "Dove".  However, I was on cloud nine now that I had forced this character into reality.

      Part of growing up is finding yourself and what makes you happy and all I knew was I loved makeup. I loved the way I felt about myself when I wore it, and above all I felt like I was who I really was meant to be, I just didn't draw the line separating myself from playtime and responsibilities.

     The day of my first performance was surreal, as if I had done this a million times. Looking back at my fantasies when I was at MGM studios giving my audition for the Mickey Mouse Club, my feelings of anxiety and doubt started in on me. I suddenly realized if I could have dreamed up the bravery to do what I did then, it had to be somewhere still in me now. I am absolutely sure that my maladaptive daydreams were instructions and reminders of the capability of strength I possessed. Surprisingly the day of my first performance was not a trigger to jump back to my old character due to the fear. In the back of my mind I kept waiting for my confident ego to take over since she was so experienced in all that.  She never showed up until the least expected moment, which of course was the moment I needed that support the most.

     We got to the bar very early, Brad and I hardly said two words to each other as I could tell from his knees shaking and his twitchy hands that he had more on his mind then casual conversation with me.

"I always wondered and imagined what it was like back here," Brad said as we slowly inched our way backstage to the dressing rooms. He stopped walking and paused.

"You know, before I knew you when I lived alone, and well I guess I was just bored, but I used to get all dressed up, and imagine I was in my dressing room preparing. I was the star of coarse, and I would be preparing for my performances that night. The funny thing is I did it almost every night but never had the guts to do this until now. So naturally when you just out of the blue said you wanted to do this I was amazed how brave you were, it's like you have been doing this for years! So what I wanted to say was THANK YOU for inspiring me to be myself and not be afraid of what I want. I know nobody is perfect but I realized why keep practicing in the shadows for an audience that can't see you."

My heart skipped a beat and I almost welled up with tears but I knew my makeup would be ruined.

    Practice makes better, instead of practicing in the shadows lets call it private rehearsals.' I knew Brad had the same condition I did and I was stunned that he spoke of it just now. We never know what someone else has gone through or the lives that they may be rehearsing for. He took my hand and we walked into the dressing room together for the first time. As we wrote down our names to put on the line up of entertainers, I knew from this day forward my life was going to be changed forever. I knew from 'past experience' that show business is not a friendly business and if I wanted to succeed I was not here to make friends. I could feel all the eyes on me like I was the threat in a pack of insecure narcissistic know it alls.

" Honey, Honey, I am sorry I don't know your names, but write them down on that sheet please and sit back there."  the emcee of the show said as I was thinking that it was clearly evident that is what we were doing.

"Well FYI, I am Dove, and this is Fiona we are so happy to be here and the show is fabulous here and we are excited to add our talents to it and hope that we all become family!" I about threw up in my mouth and I think Brad (Fiona) did as I wondered where the hell that came from.