Fuse

twenty - two | beneath the waves

S P E N C E R   J A M E S O N

I saw this quote once. 'Some days I feel everything at once. Other days I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse: drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst.'

When I read it, it resonated with me in ways I wish it never did. The words, they cut deep. They're more meaningful than anything I could have ever put into words of my own.

It's true. True to me.

Some days I do feel everything. I feel sadness. I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel pitiful. I feel scared. But then other days I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It's just.. empty.

An empty feeling, deep in my heart that feels cold and shallow. Sometimes it scares me just how low I can feel.

But then there's times where I just know that I have no choice other than to pick myself back up quay and carry on. There has to be a light at the end of this.

There just has to be.

Because that's the only thing that gets me through it. Every day, I wake up and hope that I won't have to be scared. I won't have to worry about how the day will end.

Instead I'll wake up and look forward to the day I've been blessed with. Another chance to make amazing memories that I'll be able to look back on in years from now.

A day where I'd be happy.

Releasing a deep sigh, I run my hands through my hair, brushing it gently with my fingers as I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

It's been a week since I last spoke to Kane. A whole week.

I was supposed to meet up with him the other day but I was still in too much pain and I couldn't let him see me like that or he would know that something was up.

Now I wish I had though.

Marshall instructed me to stay inside so I haven't even seen Harlow. Luckily she didn't pressure me too much and I managed to pull out yet another white lie and just tell her that I've not been feeling too good. I hate lying to her but what other choice do I have? I can't tell anyone what really happened.

Surprisingly I actually feeling a little bit better today. Thankfully it doesn't hurt as much when I move, cough or breathe.

Marshall stayed here and unluckily for me I didn't get the break I thought I was going to. I thought he was going to be in New York for a while, or wherever he was but for some reason he cut his little trip short.

He doesn't know that I saw that text on his phone, and I would never tell him. I know better than to do that. Honestly, if I had found that a couple of months ago I would've been heartbroken but now I don't care. I actually expected it.

I try my best to make an effort with my appearance for the first time in a few days. It feels like my skin hasn't felt makeup in forever. I used to wear it for fun and because I enjoyed trying different styles but now it's only use is to cover marks and bruises.