Fuse

twenty - one | reminiscing

S P E N C E R   J A M E S O N

I always used to think of myself as being a free spirit.

Someone who enjoyed life and had friends who I trusted. A family who I felt so much love and support from. 

Marshall was just like that too, at one time. He was everything I could have ever wanted and more. Perhaps I was just too young and naive, not recognising the signs when I probably should have. The sad part is, now when I think back, I did see signs, but I brushed them off because I thought that they were just silly things. Nothing to worry about.

The process was slow and gradual, but I guess it came around quicker than I could've imagined. It wasn't exactly like his entire personality completely changed over night.

After all the things that have happened though, I suppose I finally came to the point where I just stopped waiting, waiting for him to feel sorry, to feel guilt and regret. For him to realise how much of me he had lost and for him to feel a certain way for everything that he has done.

I waited and waited for the day I got to see that, but it never came. I don't think it ever will either.

So now I think I have finally understood. It was never anything to do with me; the way I acted, the way I looked, the way I dressed or the way I did things. It was all him. Everything he did was all him, because someone who is capable of doing all that he has done, will never be capable of feeling anything at all. 

It doesn't matter how many times I reminisce the past and think about how life could've been, it's never going to change what my life really is.

A constant cycle full of constant misery and pain.

My eyes stare up at the ceiling, the faint speck of light from the streetlights from the window in the distance creating a soft glow in the room.

It must be roughly five a.m or something because the sky is still dark but the sun is beginning to rise through the clouds.

Running a hand through my hair and brushing it back from my face, I roll over and silently say a prayer because the bed is empty.

My heart just feels so heavy. I don't think can't take this anymore. The constant battle of waking up every single day and facing the same fate. It's like drowning constantly but you just don't seem to fucking die.

I just can't do it.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of my emotions, I'm tired of myself. I'm just so tired of everything.

I'll try to move but instantly cry out with the pain in my ribs. I lift up my shirt and my stomach twists into knots as my eyes stare at the bruises on my skin.

Wow he really did something this time.

I trace my index finger as gently as I can over the dark marks as I wince in pain. Even the slightest touch hurt that much. What am I supposed to do? I can't go to the hospital but this looks really bad, I haven't had one like this in a long time. What if I have internal bruising or internal bleeding or something?

No, it's fine, I'll be fine.

Slowly and carefully I get out of the bed and take my time as I walk towards the bathroom. I brush my teeth as quickly as I can and splash some water over my face before making my way into the kitchen. I open the freezer and take out a packet of peas and wrap them in a towel before carefully applying it to my skin.