Summer was coming around soon. That meant you could cause more trouble than any other time of the year.
And if you couldn't cause trouble than what was there to live for?
You wanted desperately to have as good of a summer as the last. Going to the pool and daring your friends to do outrageous things. - once you'd even kissed a stranger in a gas station.
But this afternoon was.. discouraging to say the least. To get into the summer spirit, you'd been trying on your bathing suits from last year. It's not like they fit any different. You still weighed the same. But God, something about seeing your own reflection in the mirror made you want to cry.
You weren't perfect. You didn't really want to be. You just wanted to be enough. Enough for yourself. It was beyond the point of wanting to look good for others. Beyond the point of hating something like your nose or your skin. You just didn't like anything. You'd never meet your expectations.
Maybe there was more behind your shit mood, but looking in the mirror sent you over the edge.
You threw your T-shirt back on and looked at your reflection through tears. You didn't even have the energy to scowl at the girl staring back at you. The tears spilled over but you were careful not to make sound while you cried. Everyone would hear.
You collected the bikinis and one pieces from the floor and tip toed back to your room. It was all the way down the hall, past Soda and Pony's.
You were living with the Curtis' right now until your mom got out of jail. Not ideal living with three (usually seven) boys, but there was no other option besides foster care. You didn't mind much, you'd known the boys since you were young and had your crushes on each one of them. But you were y/a now, and you had better things to focus on than being in love with hoodlums.
You smiled through the tears as you tucked all the swim suits in your dresser. Hoodlums... but they were your hoodlums.
"Y/n!" Steve called from downstairs.
You tested out your voice, making sure it didn't break too much.
"What Steve!" You yelled back.
No response.
"What do you want!"
Still nothing.
"Y\N!"
"Uhg.. damn it Steve.." you muttered wiping your eyes. You glanced in the mirror on your way downstairs making sure your eyes weren't too red.
All seven boys were in the living room when you got down. They all looked up and it felt like lasers were burning through your skin. Your face heated up, only ticking you off further.
"Did you need me Steve?"
He sat up on the couch and pointed out the window.
"There was an albino squirrel, I wanted you to see!" He beamed.
You stared at him.
An albino. Fucking. Squirrel.
You were going to kill him.
He stared back with a smile.
"You wanted me to see. A squirrel." You said, never leaving his eyes.
"Yeah!"
Your pissy mood wasn't helping this situation anymore and you were going to start crying again at any moment. But all you could do was stare. By now all the boys attention had diverted to your not-so-friendly staring contest. You probably looked like the devil.
"Alright Y/N let's cool down a bit. I can feel the tension from here." Soda chuckled. He was always such a peace maker. You locked your eyes on him instead and you could've sworn you saw fear in his eyes before he looked away. All the guys turned back to what they were doing in fear that they were next.
You could feel the frustration of everything that had happened today boiling over, so you turned on your heel and clomped up the stairs as gracefully as you could.
Once in your room you shut the door and flopped face first on the bed. You immediately started sobbing onto your pillow, coming up for air every so often. Life was just so frustrating. nothing would ever go right.
You missed your mom. She always made you feel like the prettiest girl in the world. Especially when she would stand in the mirror beside you and tell you that you looked exactly like her. Because to you, she was the prettiest girl in the world. But even pretty girls get into trouble you guessed, cause your mom got a DUI.
With her gone you were insecure again. Looking at yourself was too much to bear. Not even she could fix it for you now. You're the only one who can save yourself.
You hadn't even heard the door open until it was too late. You looked up from your tear soaked pillow and met Soda's wide eyes. This time without the anger.
"What's wrong darlin?" He said, sitting down beside you. He hesitated, then got up and shut the door. He grabbed a box of tissues on his way back to the bed. You told him the only thing you could think of.
"I miss my mom..." you cried. He nodded as you cried harder, not able to hold it in any longer. He wiped a tear off your chin and you sat, helpless. You did miss your mom, that wasn't a lie. But you mostly missed how your mom made you feel. She gave you something you didn't have right now. Reassurance.
He reached over, wiping a tear than trailing his hand down to your waist, attempting to pull you in.
On instinct you flinched away.
He pulled his hand back, resting it on yours instead with a confused look.
"Y/n.. did something.. happen.. to you?" He said. You could see the worry clear in his eyes. You never meant to upset him.
"No! No Soda, God I'm sorry." You said, squeezing his hand.
"Then what's goin on?" He said squeezing back. He looked down at you and it almost seemed like he could see right through you.
You furrowed your eyebrows and looked away from him. "It's just.. what if someone touches me and realizes I'm anything less than perfect? What if they look at me and decide that I'm not pretty enough?" Your voice broke.
He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you into him, resting his chin on your head. "Then they aren't worth your time."
You hiccuped as he held you there. You were out of tears and left with the empty buzz you feel after crying. Like hope, deluded with 30 gallons of water and static.
You were too far into your thoughts to listen to what he was saying to you. Probably whispering sweet nothings in your ear, trying to get you to cheer up. But you were gone.
Maybe Soda was right. Just maybe. Why would you want to spend your time with someone who tells you you're not enough. Someone who makes you feel like you need to change. So what if you aren't the most beautiful girl in the world? You're you. And shouldn't that be enough?
