Doctor Who ~ Thasmin oneshots

A fresh start

-TW-
-mentions of suicide and depression-

Yaz's POV

I couldn't believe what was happening. Everything had been such a blur up until now, I hadn't been 100% there for anything that'd led up to this. I was left with this weird sinking feeling in my gut, like I was floating above my body. Like someone else had the steering wheel and I was locked in the boot, just watching helplessly. Like I had no say anymore.

I had everything I ever wanted in life, all I could ask for, but I didn't have enough. I didn't have what I needed, what I always wanted. Acceptance. Not from anyone else, but from myself. I couldn't say I was in denial of myself and who I really was, I couldn't say I was happy with myself. Because I wasn't. I felt alone in the world, even though I had the most amazing friends.

My heart clenched at the thought of Graham and Ryan, their happy faces and cheerful encouragements, how hard they tried to cheer me up when I was down. I loved them, more than I ever thought I could. My mind switched quickly to the doctor, her face smiling at me with sorry eyes. Her voice rung in my head like a birds song, her gorgeous face lighting me up like a lamp.

I felt in control of my body for a moment, long enough to look down and sigh at the great distance below me. Cars rushing, people walking on the concrete pavement, birds flying, people in the building across going about their daily lives oblivious to my existence. I felt my heart speed as momentary fear rushed through my veins, but it disappeared as fast as it appeared.

My mind was cloudy, I wasn't thinking logically and I knew it, but this felt right. No matter what'd happened, I still would've ended up here, staring down at the ground below where I would be any minute. I wanted the pain to go away, I needed to fill the gap she had left in my heart and I didn't know if I could do that here. In this World. I wanted to see her again, to be with her, where no one could ever split us up.

There was only one way out, and that way was down.

I let my shoulders fall limp, stepping closer to the edge of the roof and cringing at the feeling of unstable grit under my shoe. The small pebbles crumbled as I twisted my footing, leaving me to watch them fall off and tumble 10 odd stories down to the pavement below. I felt my breath hitch, but my body was no less motivated to go through with it. I was taking this fall whether I liked it or not.

I jolted at the feeling of vibrations in my pocket, remembering I'd left my phone in my jean pocket rather than my jacket which I'd discarded at my flat. I took it out and unlocked it, guilt filling my gut as I read the contact name. Grandad, it was Graham, I called his contact that as a joke. In reality Graham was like a grandad to me, he was sweet and supportive and kind, and not the last person I wanted to talk to.

I juggled the possibilities of picking up the phone, letting it ring for a while before reluctantly answering it. "Hello?" I said, trying to mask the emotionless tone lacing my voice. He took a moment to respond, but I could hear his chipper tone along with the background noise of a TV. "Hey Yaz! Ryan popped by your place earlier and you weren't in, everything alright?"

Graham's chirp almost snapped me out of my trance, but one look off the roof sent me spiralling back again. How could i answer that? I wasn't alright, i was a step away from death, but i couldn't say anything. I didn't want to admit i needed help even though this was my last chance to get it. "Yeah, yeah everything's fine, I just went out." I said bluntly, Graham clearly noticing.

He went quiet for another moment. "Yaz, you sure you're okay?" He asked, clear concern in his voice. My mouth had frozen up, leaving me with my phone to my ear with no words being spoken. I could hear the man on the other end of the phone calling my name more and more desperately each time, but my body blocked it out. Just jump, it was saying, just get it over with.

You'll be with her soon.

I slowly dropped my arm, not bothering to hang up the phone before throwing it to the floor next to her. "The doctor wouldn't want this!" Was the last thing i heard before the screen shattered and left me alone again. A gust of wind swept past my head, setting my gaze back on the fall i was about to take. I grasped my shoulders in a hug, letting the first tear fall from my eye.

I had been so confident that this was the only way out, but after hearing the doctors name it was hard. Like she was out there somewhere, pulling me away with some invisible force. It was a stupid thought, the doctor was dead after all. I let out a shaky breath and stood tall, stepping closer to the edge and peering over it. My body felt more and more limp as I lent forward.

I was going to do it. I was going to fall.

The world went silent as my feet left the ledge, like itd stop rotating. No noise, no sounds, no voices, just the wind under my body. Until...

"YAZ!" I opened her eyes at the force of someone grabbing me under my arms. I cringed as i smacked into the side of the building, dangling by this stranger and staring at the ground below. It suddenly felt so much higher than it had a second ago, fear seeping in as the reality of my actions settled in. I'd really just tried to end my life. I'd really Just tried to give up, to leave my friends and family behind because i was sick of fighting.

As my head clicked back into gear, I looked up at the struggling figure pulling my form back to safety. My heart skipped a beat. "D-Doctor?" I muttered as my body was rested on the rooftop once again, leaving me to stare into those glossy hazel eyes I'd missed so much. It was her. My doctor. Alive and well. What a welcome back gift, having to save your friend from jumping off a building.

Her face was stuck in shock and surprise, but hidden deep within was anger and judgement. I looked away from her, listening to her breaths and practically hearing her hearts beating out of her chest. "Yaz.." she said sternly, pulling my head up to look at her. "Yaz you- what were you thinking?" Her eyes were welded with tears and worry, her hands shaking breathlessly.

I lent her face into the blonde's palm, wanting to know she was really there. That i wasn't just imagining it. "You're here, it's really you?" I said lowly, my voice hoarse and dry. The doctor choked on a sob and pulled me forward into a hug. I couldn't react for a minute, my arms felt numb and cold. Slowly as my emotions filtered in I pushed the doctor back from me, holding her shoulders admittedly harder than she probably appreciated and looked into her wet eyes.

I don't know how, but I smiled. Even staring at the love of my life in tears, my heart finally warmed back up. The hole was filling, she was back. Tears streamed from my eyes and I pushed my lips against hers, clearly catching her off guard but relaxing as she kissed back. It was quick, as both of us were short of breath anyway. We broke apart, pressing our foreheads together lovingly and holding onto each other's shoulders.

I was scared to let go of her, like I would open my eyes and be in a pool of blood on the pavement, alone. Like this was some kind of sick joke my head was playing on me before I plummeted to my death. Like the doctor really was gone. I forced open my eyes and she was still there, staring back at me intently like she was just as scared I would disappear too. I glanced back at the edge, but my now strong mind forced me away again.

I felt a warm hand smooth my cheek, resting into it weakly. "It's okay, Yaz, I'm here now. We can get you help." The doctors voice was so calm and soothing, even in this situation I could've fallen asleep. I took her hand in my own and held it. "You're all the help i need." I lowered my eyebrows, placing a kiss on her hand. We sat there for a while, staring off at the sun gradually setting behind the ever taller buildings.

In those moments, nothing mattered to either of us but each other. Not the consequences of what I'd nearly done, not that the doctor was alive after months of everyone thinking she was dead, not that we were alone on a rooftop with a telephone booth behind us. Just That we loved each other. Just that we had each other in arms reach. Everything else could matter later, because I had everything I ever wanted- and that was enough.