Doctor Who ~ Thasmin oneshots

Everlasting scars

The doctor had been in moods before, more recently than ever. Since the master had shown up, she'd never really been as bubbly and outgoing as she was. She lost a part of herself, one that fam didn't even know she had, and her attitude was paying the price. After they'd gone to visit Shelly in the 16th century and encountered the lone cyberman, the doctor was worse than she'd ever been.

The fam had returned to the Tardis, safe and sound from any 'ghosts' or cyborg killers, but it was clear everything was all but well. Not only was the future they knew in immense danger, but the fam had to protect it. And they could tell that was eating the doctor alive. Ever since they'd agreed to tackle the fate of the future together as a team, the doctor had been snappy and stormy, shutting herself off from her friends and getting wound up at the basic conversations.

Yaz knew better than Ryan and Graham how broken the Doctor had been, how her moods had all been a result of deeper issues she still had to sort herself before she could open up. Now she was just as in the dark, they all were, and as much as she wanted to help it always ended in an argument. The doctor had snapped, and it was taking a toll on her group.

As soon as she walked into a room, the fam felt like they were walking on eggshells. They had to analyse her mood before saying anything, and even if she was in a happier mindset she would shift unpredictably. It was hard, and no one really knew what was wrong.

"Do you recon she's guilty? About like, dooming the future?" Ryan offered, Yaz hitting him roughly on the arm. "Don't say it like that, she did what she had to do." She said, though she'd lowered her voice unsurely. Ryan shrugged in agreement, looking down at his feet. Graham sighed, leaning on his knees. "What're we going to do you two, About her? She's not herself anymore." He looked up at Yaz, who dodged his eyes like the plague.

Ryan and Graham knew how deeply Yaz cared about the Doctor, how far she'd go to protect her, how she'd sacrifice everything to defend her and her decisions. She'd give anything to see her smile, but more recently even she had had a hard time tolerating her dreadful mood. "We Just have to keep smiling and sort this war out, once she sees we're here to help she might cheer up." She said, though it wasn't a very convincing option for any of them. She sighed in defeat, Ryan placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I just want the old doctor back, how she used to be. She was happy and cheerful and fun, now she's- she's different." Yaz forced the words out, hurting her heart to hear them out loud. She knew it was the truth, the doctor wasn't who she used to be, but it still burned to have her friends agree. She wanted to defend her, she wanted to get behind her and believe her logic, but she couldn't. She wasn't thinking right, she was broken and emotionally unstable. Yet, Yaz still wanted so badly to help.

"I might go talk to her." She said after a moment of hesitation, Ryan looking up with confused eyes. Neither of them said anything, but exchanged glances and avoided looking back. "I'd just give her time." Ryan offered, giving a kind smile as a warning. Yaz was about to speak up, but was interrupted by heavy footsteps entering the console room where the three of them were sat. They all looked up and were surprised to see the doctor.

She had a blank expression, arms hanging loosely at her sides and staring at the fam expectantly. The three of them glanced at each other, before Yaz knew she had to take the opportunity. "Heyia! Are you feeling any better?" She chirped, hoping for a positive reaction but getting nothing more than a scoff in return. "If you call 'holding the fate of the universe in your hands' better." The doctor growled, sitting at the control table and leaning her head on her hand with a pout.

Yaz sighed, looking at her two friends and gesturing out of the room with her head to give the two of them some privacy. Graham nodded and tugged Ryan out of the room, the Doctor looking over her shoulder as they left. Yaz got up and came closer to her, leaning her head on her arm and smiling reassuringly. "Am I that bad? Driving people away at the sight." The doctor let a small smile play her lips, but it melted away quickly. Yaz chuckled.

They sat in quiet for a while, searching for the right words. "They're Just worried about you, we all are." Yaz cooed, but it only seemed to dampen the doctors mood further. "Well no ones asking you to be worried, I'm fine." She snapped, turning her head away. "We cant help it, Doctor, with all this happening." She Waves her hands about, but the blonde showed no reaction.

"I don't need you to be concerned, no ones asking any of you to stay. I offered to take you home." The doctor snarled, still not facing her companion. In truth she was grateful she had her fam with her, but the pressure of possibly messing the world up permanently was getting to her- she was scared. She didn't want to loose anyone to the cyber army that had taken her friends before, she didn't think she could live with the guilt. "We're your friends, you don't need to ask us to be there for you." Yaz said, her sweet voice burning in the doctors ears.

When she didn't respond, Yaz decided to press further. She loved the doctor, she couldn't describe how much, but she wanted to understand what had driven her to be so moody. She wanted to help, but it wasn't going to be easy. "You don't have to shut us out." She reached for her hand, but it was yanked away as the doctor stared daggers at her.

"What're you getting at? I'm not shutting you out, I'm protecting you. You're all in danger and you don't seem to get that." She snapped, anger lacing her tone. Yaz sat up in surprise, unable to say anything as she watched the doctor sink further and further into her shut off state. "Of course we get that, but we've got you! We're more than safe!" She smiled, but the doctor laughed sarcastically in response.

"You've got me? Is that what's convincing you you're safe? Yaz, I've done this, I gave the lone cyberman what it wants and in return I've doomed the future. I messed things up, not you, not the fam, not fate, me. You have no idea what could happen when you stand with me because I always mess things up, in one way or another." Her tone was low and mocking, and it made Yaz shiver. She placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder, but she barley acknowledged it.

"You did what you had to do." Yaz tried, the Doctor standing up and pacing circles. She was grabbing at her hair and rubbing her face with nerves, frustration written all over her. "I did what I thought was safe for one person, and I doomed millions as a consequence. I screwed things up." She grasped onto the table and looked at her reflection in the shimmering gloss, guilt and disappointment filling her gut. "This is my fault." Her eyes stung with tears and everything was becoming too much.

Yaz got to her feet and approached her, placing a hand on her back. "No it isn't, we all played a part." She said calmly, but it sent the doctor spiralling. "Stop telling me that! It was my fault and my fault alone! I've put the future at risk and now I'm taking my friends to fight because I messed everything up! I will not loose you to them, I've lost everything, and now this. I'm lost, Yaz, I can't do anything right- and it's finally hurting the people I care about." Tears were streaming down her face and she couldn't stop it.

Yaz stood carefully, slowly wrapping a hand around her shoulder and hugging her tightly. At first the doctor didn't move, she stood stiffly as Yaz rubbed her hand up and down her back. She enjoyed the feeling of her body against her own, but it only reminded her of how much she now had to loose. If the cybermen took her fam, what would she have left?

She let herself sink into Yaz's embrace, taking in her smell like she'd never have the chance again. She gripped onto the fabric of her shirt and held it, the silky soft feeling consulting her fingertips. She knew how badly she'd been scared by the cyber army in the past, how much she'd lost to them, but she knew deep down that the fam wanted to help her. And what kind of a friend would she be if she pushed them away for that.

Yaz loosed her grip so that the doctor could pull away and look at her, her eyes still twinkling with tears and vulnerability. She ran a hand across her cheek, wiping away the wet spots and cupping her face. The doctor was in awe for a moment, staring back at Yaz hopefully. Mutually, they lent in and kissed. It was sweet, all emotion whittling away to nothing, leaving their lips connected.

All cuts were healed, leaving only scars, and although they are everlasting and deep, they bleed less and hold only memories.