Red

24

I take a step backwards, feeling intimidated by Van's hands on my waist. Van continues moving back with me, keeping the distance between us close, too close for my liking. My back hits the wall of the plane and I gasp.

"Tris, love?" Van says quietly. "Are you gonna change for me?" He still keeps his hands on me.

"Y-yes," I whisper, my hands forming into fists as I attempt to calm myself down.

Van removes his hands from my waist. I hadn't realized how tightly he was holding me until he let go. "Thank you," he sighs as he hands me the sweatpants. He turns around to give me privacy, as much privacy as you could have with these small walls. "Tell me when I can look."

I nod my head, even though he can't see me and unbutton my shorts, putting Van's sweatpants on after they're off. "I'm done," I say. I was upset with myself for giving in to Van. I keep telling myself that I don't have to listen to him, and then I do anyway. There was something about him, I don't exactly know what, that made me listen to him.

He turns around and looks at me with his tired eyes, the tired eyes that were all because of me. Because I was being difficult. "Good. Thank you," he says. "I'm going to have you hang out with Bondy for the day, okay?" He runs his hand through his hair and looks over to Sam and Bondy who were sitting down and chatting. I know he's stressed out. I just wish he would explain to me what happened that was making him this stressed.

"Okay," I whisper. "Van?" I look down and hold my hands together, playing with my fingers to try to say relaxed.

"What is it, love?" He asked. He wasn't angry, just tired.

I open my mouth and wait for the words to fall out, but they don't. Van lifts my head up so I'm forced to look him in his eyes. "You can tell me," he reassures me.

I close my eyes so I don't have to look at him, and so I don't end up crying. "I-I'm... I'm," I stop and take a shaky breath, finding it almost impossible to continue speaking.

I knew saying this would crush any chance I had at breaking away from Van's control. But I can't keep lying to myself and say that he was all that bad. Sure he can be demanding at times, and scary, too, but I couldn't just ignore the moments when he made me feel safe, the moments where he was soft with me.

"Tris, you gotta tell me," Van says gently. He places his hand on my shoulder and rubs circles with his thumb. "Open those eyes for me, yeah?" I shake me head. I couldn't cry. That would only make me look childish. And I wasn't a child.

"Tris," he sternly says my name. It was the voice that meant I had no other choice, the one that meant I had to open my eyes, so I do. "Sit down," he says, his voice returning to the calmness, providing me some comfort. I'm glad I didn't upset him.

I take a seat, leaning against the wall of the plane and Van sits down across from me. I keep my eyes focused on the blue carpet covering the floor of the plane rather than Van's eyes. Van, of course, didn't want me to look anywhere that wasn't right at him, so he takes my chin in his hand and makes me look at him.

The first thing I do it try to blink away my tears that were already forming, but tears fall anyway. "Van," I whimper, feeling more exposed than ever. I feel like Van can just see right through me.

"Relax, love. It's just me," he grabs my hands and gives them a squeeze. "Whatcha thinking? What's going on in that brain of yours?" He looked concerned, and expressing I've never seen on him before.

"I'm sorry," I sob, squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to see his expression. I didn't want to see him laugh at me, or smirk, when he realizes that I've caved and given in to him. "You were right. I've... I've been difficult...a-and stubborn," I say in between my shallow breaths.

"Breathe for me, darlin," Van says in an unexpected calm voice. "You're getting worked up over nothing. It's okay." He rubs my back up and down.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "You-you were just trying to help me. I'm s-sorry."

"Tris, shh," Van shushes me. "Thank you for apologizing. That was very mature of you."

My body shakes and I feel like I'm out of control of my body. My anxiety seems to be taking over. "You wait right here, love," Van tells me. I open my eyes and see him getting up. Was he leaving me?

I think Van saw the fear in my eyes. "I'm not going anywhere far, promise," he reassures me before walking to the front of the plane where I see him grab a bottle of water. He then goes to his sleeping area and I hear him digging though his bag.

When he returns to me, he hands me the water. "I want you to take this," Van says. He crouched back down next to me and hands me one of my pills.

I look up at him, unsure about his choice. I only had about seven pills with me and I'm sure there would be far more stressful things for me to encounter on this island than saying sorry. "But there's only-" I start, but Van cuts me off.

"I know, I know," he sighs and pushes his hair back. "We're going to have to figure out another way to deal with your anxiety, but for now, this'll do," Van explains.

I nod my head and use the water to help me swallow after I put the pill in my mouth. I didn't feel any different, but that's usually how it is. The medicine doesn't usually kick in for at least an hour.

"I'm going to have to get going in a minute, okay. I'm gonna send Bondy over for ya, how's that sound?" Van holds my hand as he speaks. It provided me some comfort, but it worried me that he wouldn't tell me where he was going. What if he got hurt? I nod my head anyways, knowing by now that it's best to just let Van do his thing.

Van gives me a smiles. "Alright, I'll be back before you know it," he tells me while standing up. I stay seated on the floor but my eyes move up to look at him.

Just as he starts walking away, I stop him. "V-van?" I stutter.

He turns back to look at me.

"Be safe," I whisper.