Red

56

"Tris, you've gotta stop thinking you need to know the answer to whether you love me or not," Van sighs. He grabs my hands, ignoring how clammy they are, and massages my palms.

But that's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted an answer, I wanted to know if I felt the same way for Van that he did for me. "But, it's not fair," I say with a pout. I was annoyed. I hated being naive, especially in front of Van.

"What's not fair?" He asks, a grin on his face that he was trying to hide. By the looks of it, he was amused that I didn't understand love, what love meant, how to love. He liked seeing me confused, wanting answers.

But not answers from anyone.

He wanted to see me wanting answers from him. He wanted me dependent on him.

And I was.

"How come you get to know if you love me but I don't?" I ask with a huff. I take my hands away from Van and fold them across my chest.

"Hey now," Van says and goes to reach for my arm. But I pull away. "C'mon. Don't be silly, don't be mad at me."

"Then tell me if I love you or not," I murmur, looking up at Van through my eyelashes.

"Tris, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to tell you who you love, that's for you to decide," he points at my chest. "I don't even know the answer anyway."

"I don't believe you. You always have answers for everything," I say.

Van chuckles. "Everything, huh?" He says, and I nod my head.

"Everything," I say.

"Well, that's just not true, darlin. I appreciate that you think so highly of me, though," he says, giving me a wink.

But I wasn't in the mood to be playful. "Please, Van, just tell me if I love you," I practically beg him.

"No, Tris," he says a little firmer. "I'm not going to tell you something that might not be the truth."

"But-" I start.

"No, Tris," he whispers, putting his finger up to my lips and leaning in closer to me. "I'm not lying to you," his voice was deep, he was bring serious.

I pout. My bottom lip out, making Van close his eyes for a second, a faint smirk on his face while he does so. And when he opens them up again, he sighs. "Listen to me, baby."

I look up at him, into his soft, green eyes, the color barely noticeable as the sun continued to set.

"You want to know what I really think?" He asks.

I nod my head, eager, desperate for an answer. "Yes," I say, a quietness in my voice showing him that this was still something that was hard to talk about for me, even though I was the one initiating the conversation.

"I think you already know whether you love me or not," is all he says, disappointing me.

"Do you think I do?" I ask, hoping that for once he'll just give me a straight answer, that we can get this over with.

"I'm not answering that question, darlin," he says, poking my nose when he sees me frown.

"But I don't know," I say, frustrated. "Van, I really want to love you," I add, taking a step closer to him and wrapping my arms around him with my head resting on his chest.

"I know," he coos and rubs his hand in soothing circles on my back. "I know you do, but there's no point in worrying about it, right? Just let things play out how they do."

I nod my head into his chest.

"Right. Now I think it's time we start heading back. It's getting dark out," he says as he tries to take a step back from me.

But I keep my arms wrapped around him. I didn't want to let him go, I didn't want to be away from him anymore.

"Tris, love, can't walk home like this now, can we?" He says. "It'd take ages," he says, teasing me, making my cheeks flush red which was just another reason why I didn't want to move away from him. I didn't want him to see me blushing, see I was so effected by his words alone.

"Why can't we?" I ask, my voice mumbled as I turned my head and spoke into his chest.

"Oh, darlin, you know I'd just as well like to stand here with you, but we've gotta head back now," he says, kissing the top of my head and trying to gently move me away again.

"But I don't want you to leave me," I say. My voice was lighthearted, but I was being serious, I was more nervous than he could tell. And I know it was ridiculous to think that. He loved me, I was finally starting to believe that he did, but my anxiety isn't letting me believe that completely.

"Tris," he teasingly drags my name out. "I'm not going anywhere, even if we stop hugging."

"But I still don't want to let you go," I say. Now I was the one teasing him. I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him, and when he looks back at me with his faint smirk and his green eyes, my heart stops for a second.

"Am I going to have to carry you home then?" He asks. "Is that what you're asking for?"

"Mhm," I hum, biting my lip to conceal my smile, but it was no use trying to hide when the giggle escaped my mouth and my cheeks turned a bright shade of red.

"Oh, you're lucky you're cute, Tris," Van says as he shakes his head.

But I didn't believe him. I don't think I was cute. My giggle wasn't cute, it was too loud. And I didn't look cute when I blushed either, I just looked shy.

"Come on now, let's get you back," he says and lifts me up by the waist.

I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. "Van?" I say once I'm comfortable in his arms.

"Yeah?" He responds.

"I...I just wanted to ask if..." I stop trying to explain myself and just go for it, knowing Van wouldn't have a problem with it.

I kiss his cheek, a short kiss because that was all I was confident enough to do. "That's it," I say and then quickly bury my head into his neck so he wouldn't be able to see my red cheeks.

Van chuckles. "I guess that means I've got to return the favor, no?" He says. "C'mon, look up for me real quick."

I hesitate before slowly lifting my head, hoping my cheeks weren't as red as I imagine they are.

He looks at me for a few seconds before kissing my cheek and then the tip of my nose.

"I know I've already told you this," he whispers into my ear, his breath making me squirm in his arms.

"But you are so lucky you're cute."