Red

45

After Van's words, it fell silent. He didn't say anything and I didn't know how to respond. But Van wanted me to speak, I could feel his eyes on me even though I refused to look at him.

"Say something...tell me anything," Van finally says with a tight voice. Through the corner of my eye, I could see him bouncing his leg up and down, maybe it was one of his nervous habits. It still felt weird thinking Van could get nervous, he seems so confident in everything he does, he was so put together.

And as much as I wanted to think Van was telling me the truth, I didn't know if I could. Is this what love is? Because if it is, it's not anything I had expected. I wanted hugs and kisses, not whatever this was.

"I don't believe you," my frail voice squeaks. I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling cold in the summer heat.

"Why would I be lying, love?" Van asks. He moves a little closer to me, hoping he would be able to see my face which I was hiding with my hair.

"I don't know," I sigh. "You didn't really act like you liked me...let alone loved me." It's hard to even process that he admitted to loving me even though he probably wasn't telling the truth. Those are words that I never expected to come out of his mouth.

I wonder if this is how he treated his old girlfriend. Maybe this this is why they broke up.

He's probably only saying he loves me to try to make me forgive him. Or maybe he just wanted me to say it back to him so he could laugh at me, call me clingy.

"Then believe me, Tris. I'm not teasin you. I'll love you till the end of the world, I will. I don't know how you did it in the short time we've been here, but you did. You made me fall head over heels for you," Van says. He reaches out and holds one of my hands that was messing around with the sand in front of me.

"I have to go, Van," I sigh. My hand laid limply in his. I needed time to think over everything Van was saying, whether I believed him, whether I loved him back.

Van shakes his head. "I'm not letting you and Sam go wandering off on your own. I changed my mind," he says.

I pull my hand away from his and cross them back over my chest. My eyebrows furrow and I finally allow myself to look up at him with my red eyes and tear stained cheeks. "You can't change your mind," I say flatly.

"What does it look like I just did?" Van asks. He was trying to remain calm, as calm as he could be.

"Well, we are going," I say matter-of-factly.

"Did you not hear me, darlin? No you're not. It's not safe," he says, again trying to keep his cool, to make me not despise him more than I already do right now.

"We'll be fine. Bondy said we could go anyway. You don't really have a say in this," I say and begin to stand up only to be brought down again by Van grabbing my arm.

"You can't just run away whenever we disagree, love," he says with a sigh. "And Bondy isn't in charge, is he?"

"Who put you in charge?" I ask, and I genuinely wanted to know. It wasn't just to start another argument with Van.

Van's hold of me doesn't get looser so I sit down again. "Trust me, Tris, you wouldn't want anyone else in charge," he says, eying me, looking upset that I would even ask that question.

"But I do," I say. "Bondy would be a better leader," I say, my voice trembling as I speak because I didn't really believe what I was saying. I only wanted to make him mad enough to let me go, to maybe realize he shouldn't love someone as stubborn as me, if he even loved me at all.

Van shakes his head and lets a breathy laugh out. "Whatever, Tris. But he's not the leader, and you have to listen to me. I'll get Bondy to tell you that you and Sam have to stay nearby if you want to hear it from someone else," he says, suddenly forgetting about trying to keep a calm voice with me.

My eyes start to water again. "I thought you said you loved me," I mumble. I attempt to shake Van's arm off mine but he doesn't budge. There's no way I'd stay here if I could get his arm off me, and I guess Van must've know that.

"I do love you," he says. "You're so attached to the idea of finding reasons to think I hate you that you can't realize I'm doing this for your own benefit. I don't want a repeat of last night, and I know that's not what you want either." He emphasizes the word 'don't,' and when he does his grip on my tightens.

"I hope you know I don't love you back," I say. My voice unsteady because I couldn't tell if it was true or not. I can't decide when I feel so angry. "I love Sam," I add, only to press his buttons.

Van's face gets soft for a moment. "Did he tell you?" He asks, completely forgetting about the aggression that was in his voice just moments before.

"Tell me what?" I ask, confused. I didn't know that Van was worried that Sam might have already told me what he had told him last night.

But he shakes his head. "Nothing. Sam doesn't love you, and you don't love Sam. I love you, Tris. You haven't spent enough time with Sam to develop any sort of feelings for him," he says, the aggressive voice returning.

"Maybe I don't spend enough time with him because you won't let me!" I yell. "Let go of my arm!" My breaths became faster and it felt like another panic attack was coming on.

"No, love. You're all worked up. You need to calm down," Van says.

I was worked up, he was right, like he was is. But I was worked up because of him. If he would let me go, I wouldn't be this upset, but he couldn't let me go, he can't when he knows exactly who I would run to.

What I did next was definitely not what I should have done. I wasn't thinking clearly. But I was too upset to think about the consequences that would follow, and when I picked up a handful of sand with my free hand, I did not hesitate to throw it right in Van's face.