Ruel Imagines

43. ✿❀✧*

Hey, so I know a few of you guys wanted a part two to the last imagine, but I don't think I'm going to make a part two. I purposefully did not use many third person pronouns and the perspective was for you to determine (whether if it was from your or Ruel's perspective)

Okay that's all I wanted to say, I hope you enjoy this one! It's basically just my thoughts and feelings but exaggerated to fit into a story scene

[EDITED]

What's happening? I feel as if you're gone. I feel as I'm gone. Why do I keep doing this to myself? You always knew, yet you stayed. This isn't making any of this easier. I'm sorry. I keep you around cause I need you. I'm caught up in my own emotions and I'm too down to comprehend the words you said, but the thought of you leaving keeps replaying in my head. I don't deserve you. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm always blaming you but I know it's all my fault. I keep texting you at midnight because I don't know who else to text. Everything just happened so quickly and I wasn't ready for any of this. I thought I was fine. I was doing okay. You always saw the pain in me, but you stopped asking if I was okay. I'm not good enough and I deserve to feel like this. I'm an awful person. I fade away when I'm doing okay and come back when I'm falling apart. I know you're okay without me, but I'm not okay without you. I wish that we never met. Then I wouldn't be constantly letting you down. You're my reason to live. I'm always going to support you. I hope life gets easier. I want to give you closure, but I can't cause I know there aren't the right words to say to you anymore. I'm sorry. You have always helped me, but I'm not stable enough to give you everything you deserve. Let me just let go. I want to let go. Maybe if I let go you'll be okay. I can't stop replaying every scenario in my head and overthinking seems to take all my energy. Overthinking every thing has taken up all the space in my head. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, hoping things will be okay. I just want to be okay, but that seems like too much to ask for. I don't want to get these constant reminders that I'm okay, cause I'm not. I want to let go and finally feel okay. Thank you for everything. I didn't give you much but you gave me everything. I want to be someone else cause I don't feel like me. I want to wake up feeling okay and feeling motivated. Waking up seems as if it's a task these days. I feel as if I can't breathe. I'm sinking and no one is looking. You left just as I was starting to get better. You didn't care that I still loved you. You told me you stopped loving me months after you told me you loved me. You lied but I guess we both did. I'm falling apart and I don't want to get used to this feeling. I don't want to get used to this, yet I can't get up and do anything. I want to go back in time and stay there forever. I miss being happy. I don't want to be here in this body that I'm not proud of. I want to feel loved, but you can't ask for the impossible. I need some peace of mind, even if it's for a second. I want to be somebody else. I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared of living. I miss not worrying about every thing I do. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling loved by you. How will someone else love me when you left? I'm cynical to myself and I can't stop being my biggest critic. I'm lost and lonely. I've pushed everyone away and now I'm here by myself. No one loves me. How can anyone love me? I see the good in others, but I can't see anything in myself. I didn't know someone could be so critical until I met this version of me. I'm lost without you. I just need one last hug. Your voice gave me some comfort, but now you're gone. You told me you would never come back. You told me that I was okay and that everything was fine, but I know you were lying. I miss having someone. I miss the feeling of knowing I had someone. I miss my person. You told me you'd always be by my side, but I don't blame you for leaving. I should of known. Letting go of you was like letting go of me. I am surrounded by these demons I wish I could get rid of. Even if you're not here, I know I need to let go and move on, but it's not easy. You made leaving me seem so easy. I wish I could leave me. I hate myself. I hate everything about me and I know I'm just a distant memory to you.

"Ruel, what are you doing?" I panic, pulling my journal away from him.

"Sorry," he said, wiping his eyes. "I didn't mean to read your stuff. It was just open and yeah."

I bit my lip, hugging my journal close to my chest.

"When did you write all that?"

I slowly sat down next to him.

"Two weeks ago."

I saw his mouth open a little. My breathing picked up.

"I love you. I-I didn't know yo-"

"It's okay. No one does. Well, now you know."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I wanted to, but I was scared."

"Why? I'm your best friend."

"Cause you're the most important person in my life and I didn't want to scare you."

"But I've seen you cry before."

"And you never knew why." I said.

He didn't say anything. He looked down at his hands.

"Can I hug you?" he whispered, looking back up at me.

I felt myself tearing up, pulling him close.

I buried my face into his neck.

"I love you. I always will." he said.

"I love you too, R."