OST: Stay Here - Gaho
Living in his greatest fear is something that Seokjin never imagined.
When Namjoon left, he brought his husband's heart with him. Held by his warm hand is Seokjin's heart that made him remember that he's still there, living.
As he open his eyes, the first thing he felt is how the vacuum in his chest gets bigger everyday. That empty feeling that drains his whole being. Seokjin doesn't know how to function without having his heart with him.
His family and friends tried to cheer him up. Assures him that Namjoon will be back soon and everything will be same as before, what he can only see is the pitiful look they're casting on him.
Seokjin hates to be treated like a charity case, his ego was hurting to see them feeling bad for him. Their careful action towards him makes him remember how miserable he is.
They are cautious to say anything like he is a fragile glass that will shatter any minute. That makes him irritated, feeling left out by the people around him so he just chose to be alone.
Seokjin hates nightmare. They are always terrifying. He remembers those times that he's screaming in the middle of the night because even in his slumber, he's being hunted by the memories that he's trying to escape from.
But he didn't expect that not having a nightmare will make him feel empty. When he close his eyes, there is nothing. No monster, no bogey man, no Jae Hwan, nothing. He feel nothing.
Slowly, he's starting to become a shell of what he use to be. He's numb, empty, alone, and miserable.
He wonder if this is a punishment for choosing to be honest on what he truly is. He always asked why people like him can't have a happy ending like what a man and a woman have in fairy tales. Seokjin is starting to think that he is born just to suffer.
Every night before he sleeps, he will stare on Namjoon's side of the bed. Maybe because his longing, but he can see the younger laying beside him, smiling. He can see him while looking in his eye and whisper the words 'I love you.'
Happiness will bloom in his heart as he reply saying 'I love you too.' But his husband's image will began to fade in the air and again he will realize that Namjoon is gone.
Because of that, he always needs to swallow this big lump stuck on his throat and stop tears from running out of his eyes. Seokjin is too tired cry anymore. Crying makes him miss the younger and he don't know if he can bare missing his husband even more.
He is grieving with his lost. He's not grieving on Namjoon's absence. Seokjin is mourning for himself that is slowly dying as time passed by that the younger is not beside him.
He doesn't know how to chase those emotions away, and he is too tired to cry and be sorry for himself anymore, so he tried escaping from his misery with the use of liquor and work.
Seokjin started working like there's no tomorrow. His work is a good distraction to forget every pain that keeps lingering in his heart.
He's too scared to remember and feel the pain that he chose to work himself into exhaustion. There are times that his work is still not enough escape, so he have his companion – alcohol.
Being stuck in this miserable life made him neglect himself. Seokjin stop caring about his well being. Sometimes he's too focused on his work, his schedules, meeting and appointments that he forget to eat. He want to avoid staying at home so he's always going to work earlier than anyone and most of the time he is the last to leave.
