Double Dare II waterparks

035

Awsten really hates himself sometimes.  One of those times being right now.  He stares out the window of the plane, not really focusing enough to see the clouds or caring enough to look down and see the seemingly endless expanse of ocean below.  When he does take a moment to finally look at the view, he finds himself wanting to just get lost in that ocean forever.  It'd be a far better fate than the one he's facing.  He hates himself, in full, for his current set of emotions.  On some level, he's happy for Otto and grace.  So fucking happy for them.  But that happiness is far outweighed by the bitterness and misery and odd bit of anger overtaking him, oh and lets not forget the overwhelming, painful jealousy that seems to be running through his veins.  He tells himself he has no right to feel this way, these feelings have no valid reasoning behind them.  He doesn't get to feel this way.  He doesn't get to be jealous.  The only feeling he can even begin to try to justify to himself is the jealousy, though.  The jealousy isn't there because he's into Grace like he'd originally worried.  It's because someone else is having the chance to get everything he's ever wanted and he knows for a fact that person didn't want it half as much as he does.  Way back when Awsten had first met Geoff and Otto, before introducing them to grace, he jokingly started a stupid get to know you type conversation.  One question was where do you see yourself in ten years?  Awsten's answer was simple: in love, married, two kids, and a house in a nice neighborhood in Houston.  That's what he wanted most, love and a family.  Geoff had given a similar answer, along with including that he would probably die if he didn't have a better gaming system by then, which Awsten laughed at and said that they'd get rich and Geoff would have the best gaming system.  Otto, on the other hand, was not super into the whole family and love thing.  Otto had predicted himself as still single, living alone on his fucking farm, and definitely never dating again because relationships are such bullshit and I want nothing to do with them ever again.  Awsten knows he can't judge Otto based on that.  Otto had been fresh out of a very messy breakup around the time that conversation happened so his lack of faith in romance could be seen as reasonable but Awsten can't help but hold it against him now, even though he really doesn't want to.  Awsten has been through heartbreak more times than he'd care to admit but he'd never gone and lost faith in love like Otto had.  Why does Otto deserve this more than he does?  He's spent his whole life wanting the perfect fairytale romance, wanting someone to hand his heart over to and spend his life loving, wanting someone to have lazy Saturdays with and to surprise with flowers and random dates and someone whose hand he could always hold and he could call while away on tour and have them always answer because they loved him as much as he loved them, someone to raise a family with.  It's all Awsten ever wanted and he hates himself for it because he's starting to believe he'll never have it.  Otto and Grace have each other.  He's pretty sure Geoff has started seeing someone, or is at least interested in the person.  Jawn has been in a relationship since fucking ever but keeps it mostly private to avoid any social media disasters.  Travis is happily single with the occasional date that he enjoys but never takes further.  Elliot briefly mentioned some science person at his work but a brief mention from Elliot about anyone usually signals something is happening.  And here Awsten is.  Alone.  On a plane about to go fake a smile and tell his friends how happy he is for them because he's a good person and won't show how much this hurts.  It's almost ironic.  He's just pulled Grace out of her shell, got her to show some anger and not stuff down all her emotions.  He's told her before how bad it is for her.  Now he's doing it too.  He wonders how she managed for so many years because it feels like it's killing him.