Aphotic ✔️

Chapter 15- Family

Closing the door behind me I step in the house with a sigh after convincing Emma about a million times that I'm alright

Which I'm clearly not, I never have been but oh well that's the way things are... That's the way I am, spilling my life in front of someone won't help at all. It won't even comfort me one bit because I'm way ahead of that stage now.

I decided to move straight towards my room since dad won't be home at this time and all I had to do was avoid mom who would bombard me with questions if she saw me at home at this time

To my surprise I see two figures arguing as I move towards the living room, they both were totally unaware about my presence there. Either ways it won't matter since I'm very much invisible in this house until I mess up

"marrying you was my fault" my dad hissed in my mom's face as she stared back at him with hatred pouring out of her eyes

"I would've left you if I had a chance" her voice was full of regret and anger as she hissed back at my dad

Sighing to myself I closed my eyes momentarily while I sucked a deep breath in. This doesn't even surprise me anymore, all they do is spit venom into each other's face as they repeat the same resentful words

"WHY DIDN'T YOU THEN? " i flinched as my dad growled, I could see my mom startled at the sudden outburst but gaining her composure almost immediately

"BECAUSE OF IRIS" my mom yells back with tears bursting through her eyes as she tried to calm down her breath

'ouch'

Tears fill my eyes once again as I sniffed loudly for them to notice me before they say something else. I felt the eyes of my parents on me as they stared at me with the 'I can explain' look.

Why tho? Not like they haven't said it on my face, but it hurts more because the little spark of hope inside of me always said that it may be because they are just too strict. They want to bring out the best in me and they don't mean it, it's just to keep me from rebelling and they actually love me deep inside

Every little hope I had shattered right before my very eyes with just a few words and I couldn't do anything, just look at them with tears in my eyes and accepting my unfair fate.

Life sure is a bitch

I smiled at myself sadly as I sniffled and threw my head back to keep the tears threatening to leave my eyes any time

But they won't stop

Why won't they stop?

Why do their words ring in my head like a ravenous bell, like a pit-less abyss?

Why do they keep staining my cheeks with tears without my consent of my heart that's at the point of breaking ?

Why the fuck do I want to break down and let all the built up resentment out?

"I get it, you don't need to explain yourself" I spoke between tears while glancing at the man and the woman standing in front of me , as I kept my voice from cracking

My mom moved towards me with her arms open as I immediately backed up

"no, no... Please don't come near me" my voice came out as a whiny cry as I raised my hands ahead  of me In a protective manner.

I didn't know what I was doing or saying, all I knew was that it hurt.... Their presence hurt. The fact that no matter what I'll always love them hurt like a bitch and I didn't know what to do... I felt lost and empty

I don't think someone will ever be able to fill this void in my heart, the void of a little girl who needed the love of her parents

Gulping my tears back I slowly opened my mouth to speak before shutting it again but I knew I needed to say this one thing

"I've done... Everything, to keep this messed up family together. I'm sorry if it wasn't enough" I forced the words out of my mouth, while mentally trying to calm myself down

My mom's expression softened as her eyes turned glossy with thick tears, while my dad ran a hand over his face as he tried to avoid my eyes

".... But trust me it was all of me, I have nothing more to give" I continued as my voice broke at the end of the sentence, all the tears I fought to keep in, fell freely through my eyes, not being able to breathe in the toxic atmosphere anymore I backed up slowly before rushing out of that carousal of agony named as 'home'

I suddenly didn't know what to do or where to go as everything finally shattered, the day I finally died was here, I could not feel my heart beat anymore and the only thing that made me feel not as good as a corpse was the stinging and aching pain in my heart

The hatred and anger that ran through my veins like adrenaline

For someone with social anxiety, I didn't feel weird at all while I strolled through the streets with tears rushing out of my eyes, the sensation of wind against my tear stained face felt strangely addictive

What would be my future now? What will I do tomorrow? The chemistry project next week? I didn't want to care about anything at that moment

I felt sorry for myself, sorry for torturing myself all those years. Living for people as I killed the peace of my heart and soul. Through all this, I lost the essence of myself.

Looking at the mirror, I find a foreign pair of eyes starring back at me, I choose to ignore it since and put up with the perfect daughter act

Just to keep that fucking family together, which was hanging to a string that only I had to carry and as time passed by It kept getting heavier

Just a few more years, I'll keep the act until I graduate, it'll be done after that. I just have to carry this overwhelming weight for two more years

I've done it sixteen years of my life, two more won't matter as long as I can be free of this endless pit of darkness, heartbreak, regret and self-loathing

I'm sick of beating myself up and looking down on myself, I'm guilty against myself... For breaking me over and over again

For killing my heart, my desires, my hopes along with my soul.

For tainting myself with the blame of sins I have never committed just to protect people who don't give a fuck

For scarring my wrists and my body, while I watch the blood seep like fountains of Scarlet vine

And at the end no matter what i do I'm sick of being the one responsible for everything going wrong

I'm fucking sick of apologizing for my existence and the blood running through my veins

'fuck all fantasies, I was never meant to lead a normal sweetheart life, pretending that I have it is the only thing I'm good at'

This mistake you say I am, will prove herself to you In the least expected way mom and dad. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.... And I swear it's terrifying, not just for me this time.
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I'm just an empty shell now and you'll be surprised of the things I can carry without giving you the slightest idea of what I will and can do
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