Aphotic ✔️

Chapter 18- His Mind

Arron's pov:

I never thought 'love' actually existed

No, I was raised to believe that it never existed

I never saw what it looked like or what it felt like all i ever saw was violence, revenge, obsession and selfish lust

Affection was a feeling that has always  been foreign to me. Neither did i ever feel it or felt the need to show it

I learned to live alone and I learned it the hard way, I have always been emotionally isolated; it hasn't always been my choice to be all alone but eventually I had accepted it the way it was and didn't realize when I got obsessed with it and turned this way... The way I am right now, trapped inside my sick mind

I'm sick, my mind is distorted and I've been running away from myself as I was terrified of what I was becoming.... The monster I've always disguised.... I could see that monster within my dark orbs

I could feel him in my thoughts and I could feel his disgusting blood pumping through my veins... It killed me inside

I'm not like him, I'll never be like him but what if I was destined to follow his foot steps? What if the same monstrous blood runs in my veins?.... What if I become him?

Or I was like him to begin with?

These feelings have haunted me ever since I was a child, I grew up with these tormenting thoughts running around the carousal of my brain

I needed to distance myself from people, emotions are terrifying, I've never felt the need to be close to someone or protect someone after I couldn't protect Her

Her life was destroyed because of me, because I was too weak to do something... I was a coward and couldn't stand up for the one person I cared about

And she left... Disgusted by me

I still remember her hateful gaze as she left, she didn't even turn around once... And that's when all the hope I gathered inside of me piece by piece shattered in a mere second

My heart couldn't feel a thing since then, relationships? They're just unnecessary burdensome tying you down to a meaningless tag... Friendships? Aren't alliances better? Love? What even is that? Cinderella?

That's how I've lived until now

.... I've never felt any sexual desire towards anyone

Sex was always my coping mechanism, whenever I was angry or felt weak I found someone to fuck

It made me feel strong and in control, it always helped me stay glued to the mask I was most likely to wear forever, it helped me hide the true me

I haven't felt a thing and I was good with it, I had a perfect life... Nothing bothered me

... Until her

They say you don't know you're living in darkness when you've never seen the light... It was that to me. She was the light that showed me my darkness

She changed my life in a second without me even realizing and before I knew I was caught in a never ending cycle of light and dark making me go into a frenzy

It was too dark Inside of me and she was too bright... after an eternity of darkness the revelation of light is always discomforting, it's always blurry and blinding, you want to run back in your hole of darkness but the feeling of light is somehow addictive and you want more... It ends up as a mess

That's how she was to me, I wanted more and more of her but wanted to push her away and crawl inside my barrier of darkness again but once you get the taste of light.. It's impossible to forget what it feels like, it torments your thoughts and pulls you towards it until you're helpless

She was a light like that to me

And her eyes remind me of...... Her

The one that left all those years ago..

Abandoning me mercilessly, cutting all bonds and setting herself free from the weight of my existence

I remember the day I first met her eyes in the class, I could almost see 'Her' in those glassy and deep eyes of iris

I don't know If that pulled me towards her or pushed me away but it did something Undeniable between us that I couldn't understand

Because I can't help but see 'Her' every time I look at iris...... I hate that woman that left me years ago, the origin of the darkness inside of me began with her .... And I hate that fact even more that I see the darkness of my existence in the eyes of the only light in my life... The only one who has the end to this miserable darkness

But why can't i push her away? Why am I so intoxicated with her? It makes me want to kill myself and disappear forever

It just makes life so much more hard that I don't know how i kept going on all those years

But no matter how hard I try running away from her, I end up falling back to her... No, I end up being pulled back to her by a non-existent force that can only be felt deep in the core of my heart

A feeling I want to deny, no matter what....but i know my heart belonged to her the day our eyes locked... Without me realizing

For once... I'll listen to what my heart says inside of all those walls I'll finally listen to it's cry screaming what it yearn's for. I already know that whatever will happen will change my life forever... I can't say in a positive or negative element yet

But I don't wanna think anymore, all I want is her, without thinking about the consequences.. I want to live... Live in the moment for once
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All I need is her and I'm done pretending, I'm going to give it a chance iris tan... I'm gonna give us a chance so please don't ever leave me...... I won't be able to take it