Santana Lopez Quotes (GLEE)

Born This Way

Everyone is in the choir room. Rachel is standing in front of the club.

Quinn: Oh my God, you're getting a nose job.

Rachel: I'm considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.

Santana: So, a nose job.

Rachel: Look, I'm... I'm happy with the way that I look, okay? And I've embraced my nose. But let's say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn's, for example. I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals, so...

Will: Possibly. What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.

Santana: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn't know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things that we wouldn't change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure that Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Tina: That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana: I'm keepin' it real.

Tina: Sorry, Santana. I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.

Mike: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hating Asian.

Tina: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.

Finn: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.

Santana: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they're filled with custard, or you could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

****

Santana is in the school hallway. She is drawing on Quinn and Finn's prom campaign posters.

Santana: *voiceover* I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen.

She sees Brittany and Artie talking in the hallway.

Santana: *voiceover* She's so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me the law of the land.

Santana stands in the middle of the hallway.

Santana: *voiceover* That's never gonna happen. I don't have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.

She sees Sam walking down the hallway.

Sam: *weird voice* Jack Ryan, you've just boarded the Red October. *normal voice* Sean Connery.