Santana Lopez Quotes (GLEE)

Old Dogs, New Tricks

Santana, Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine are eating at a table at a restaurant.

Kurt: Hey, do any of you guys want to catch a matinee tomorrow? I have a late shift at the diner and I know Funny Girl is dark.

Santana: Uh, "dark" as in there are no performances, or "dark" as in it's kind of a downer.

Rachel: Oh, my word.

Blaine: I'm sorry, I would love to go, but June's got me taken up with dinners and rehearsals...

Santana: Yeah, I know, count me out– I'm gonna be in the recording studio all day.

Rachel is looking at her phone.

Rachel: This is terrible– look what I just found on Broadwaybuzzard.com.

She slides her phone towards Blaine. Santana grabs it from his hand.

Santana: I'll take that.

Santana starts reading the phone.

Santana: "Blind Item! Liar, Liar Fanny on Fire!"

Rachel: Shh.

Santana: "What Broadway starlet has been calling in sick while secretly pursuing other job opportunities? Unnamed sources say producers are none too happy with the burgeoning diva's shenanigans, and wager that this starlet will burn out faster than you can say 'Milwaukee Dinner Theatre in the Round!'"

Rachel: I missed one show.

Blaine: Rachel, you should actually be glad that they don't know you're seriously considering leaving your show to do a TV pilot.

Rachel: This is terrible, okay? I cannot be branded a problem child this early in my career. I might be ambitious, but I'm not a bad person.

Santana: You can't expect total strangers to know exactly who you are. I mean, look at Angelina Jolie– she used to be that girl with the vial of blood around her neck who liked kissing her brother, and now she's Mother Earth.

Rachel: How'd she do it?

Santana: Two things– publicist and a cause.

Blaine: She can't afford a publicist.

Rachel: And I've always been my cause.

Kurt: Inside voice, honey.

Rachel: Sorry.

Santana: Well, you don't need a publicist when you've got Snixx on your side. If there's one thing I know about, it's cultivating an image. In high school, I was a huge bitch but also most popular. I was voted Best Shoulder to Cry On and Most Likely to Poison Someone.

****

Santana and Rachel are in the loft.

Santana: I've got it. I have got the perfect plan for how to get this thing off the ground. Later today, you are going to take a couple of dogs for a walk around the block, where paparazzi will be conveniently waiting. You're gonna get snapped, give a quote, bam, Broadway Bitches is off and running. And I also snagged you this designer number by a designer that is so fancy, I can't even pronounce his name. There's hardly any vowels in it. And if you wear it and get photographed in it, you get to keep it for free.