Santana Lopez Quotes (GLEE)

Props

Tina has hit her head and is hallucinating that everyone is someone else. Artie, who is supposed to be Santana, walks up to Tina, who is supposed to be Rachel.

Artie (as Santana): Oh, hey there, Hobbit. Can't wait to hear your solo in Glee Club today. Hope you don't choke like you did in your NYADA audition.

He/she walks away. Brittany, who is supposed to be Mercedes, rolls Santana, who is supposed to be Artie, up to Tina as Rachel.

Santana (as Artie): Rachel, I don't want to put any more pressure on you, but winning at Nationals will be the most important thing that will ever happen to me in my entire life. I mean, you'll basically be performing for every handi-capable kid in the entire world. Mercedes?

Brittany (as Mercedes): Mmm, praise.

They walk off.

****

The glee club is rehearsing their number for Nationals in the auditorium. They are complaining about the helmets they are wearing and that they are making flames with metal grinders.

Blaine: Is this even legal?

Sam: Yeah, shouldn't we be in some sort of grinding union?

Santana: Wanky.

****

Santana, Brittany, and Mercedes walk into the teachers' lounge. A random teacher stands up.

Teacher: This is the teachers' lounge. It is our sacred space.

Santana: Britt and I are gay and Mercedes is black, so kicking us out would be a hate crime.

Brittany: Well, I'm not totally gay, but I think that trees are born the same way as babies, so kicking me out would be kinda mean.

Santana: Yeah. Thanks.

They walk past the teacher and walk up to Coach Beiste who is eating alone at a table.

Beiste: I'm eating my chicken, ladies.

Santana: You're still wearing your wedding ring.

Mercedes: And I saw you last night at the 7:00 PM showing of 21 Jump Street– with Cooter.

Brittany: Cooter was in 21 Jump Street? I didn't know he was an actor.

Santana: You told us you were leaving him. You lied to us.

Beiste: I know how this looks, but you just don't understand how complicated adult relationships can be.

Mercedes: I mean, he hit you and you stayed. What's complicated about that?

Beiste: I'm very sorry if this is confusing for you, but what's the world worth if people don't get a second chance?

Santana: Wait, so you're saying he changed?

Beiste: Well, he knows now that if he treats me bad again, I am out.

Mercedes: I don't know. Can people change that fast? I mean, most guys I know don't even know how to change their own underwear.

Brittany: I couldn't really figure that out, so I just stopped wearing any at all.

Santana: I think you need to get out of the house, if only for a weekend. Come with us to Nationals.

Coach Beiste stands up.

Beiste: You have two chaperones already. I don't even know if I'm welcome back in Chicago after I body-slammed Refrigerator Perry in a bar fight.

Mercedes: We care about you, Coach. We just want to see you safe.

Beiste: Thank you, girls, but I can take care of myself.

Coach Beiste walks off.

****

Everyone is in the choir room. Puck walks in wearing a dress and blonde wig.

Will: Puck?

Sugar: Hello...

Mercedes: My eyes are burning.

Mike: Look at those legs.

Santana: I am strangely turned on right now.