Santana Lopez Quotes (GLEE)

Guilty Pleasures

Santana and Kurt are in the bathroom. Kurt is brushing his teeth while Rachel is taking a shower.

Santana: Okay, this is ridiculous. If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space.

Rachel: Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary.

Santana: I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, 'cause they're not really having the desired effect. Unless your goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset.

Kurt: One, Rachel's beautiful. Two, you're a bitch, and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face.

Rachel: Ooh.

Santana sarcastically chuckles.

Santana: Okay. That's really funny.

Rachel starts singing octaves.

Santana: You want to play with me, Kurt, 'cause I can play all day every day. *whispering* What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?

Kurt spits out his toothpaste.

Kurt: We had a pact.

Santana: What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah?

Kurt turns to face her.

Kurt: Okay, she can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, all right? That would wreck her.

Santana: Maybe if you made me some space, I'd care a little bit more.

Rachel's shower stops.

Santana: I want that whole top row.

Kurt starts clearing the shelf. Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her body.

Santana: Ooh la la. Rachel Berry in a towel. How could Brody give all that up?

Rachel: You know what, not now, okay. It's too soon. Everything still reminds me of him. You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturizing ritual?

Santana: Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very, very gay. Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side?

Rachel: You know, he actually didn't even say why.

Santana: Puke. That is the most cliched breakup line ever. You're not gonna be friends, and you don't need him. I mean, you've got friends right here.

Rachel: What? Friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence?

Santana: No, friends who cheer you up by playing pranks on your other friend.

Rachel: What are you talking about?

Santana: Maybe a mascara mustache for Lady Hummel, which would probably be the only facial hair he's ever had, or we could do that stick-his-hand-in-warm-water-make-him-wet-the-bed trick? Lady's choice.

Rachel smiles.

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Santana and Rachel sneak into Kurt's room in the middle of the night with a pot of warm water. They see him sleeping with his boyfriend arm.