Golden Hour

3

Exactly one week had passed since my breakup with Jason and getting extremely drunk with my friends. I was on a rollercoaster of emotions this week. It didn't help that I started my period, so my hormones were really out of wack. Jason only contacted me once telling me he was going to drop off a box of my things from his place and I said I would have a box of his ready for when he came.

I didn't have much, he was gone most of our relationship but I did have a few shirts and manuscripts he left. That was two days ago and although I wasn't exactly okay, I did have bit of closure.

"Cash," He said before I cut him off.

"I really don't want to hear it," I said defeatedly.

I was tired of feeling this way and I was almost positive anything he had to say wasn't going to help.

"Please, I just need to tell you this," he pleaded. I paused a moment before nodding in agreement.

"It was not you. You are beautiful, sexy, talented, smart and so much more. I am so sorry I can't be that guy for you, but you will find him someday. When you do and you know he's the one then this will seem all worth it. I know that sounds fucked up, especially coming from me. But, I just need you to know it isn't you. I know you'll torture yourself wondering why. It's just me, I'm not ready to settle down. I don't want to be attached to just one person, at least right now. I know I should have told you," he said pausing. I didn't know what to feel as he talked but he continued and I listened.

"I thought I was ready y'know? Finally ready to be in a committed relationship with an incredible woman. I'm still finding myself, I know that's another shitty thing to say. I thought I was ready though, I met you, and I swear for the first few months I was ready. But then I was on set, and you were here, and I didn't want to keep putting in the work to make this happen. I still don't know who I am, and I can't be with you. Because, you know who you are. You are so confident in who you are I am so envious of that, but we're at different places. I do love you," he said pausing, "just not romantically. I know you need time to move past this but I really am being honest when I say I want the best for you. I want you to keep selling records, producing, singing, being funny, being who you are. Maybe down the line we'll be friends, but right now I have be present in this part of my journey that I'm in and you have to be present in yours. I know I'm awful and I won't ask for your forgiveness. I just really need you to know that none of this is about who you are."

I don't know what came over me but I gave him a hug.

"I don't forgive you," I said, "yet," I smiled softly. "I hope you find who you are and whoever you decide to be with one day will be really special. Goodbye, Jason," I said kissing his cheek.

He nodded before leaving my house and my life. I was still beyond hurt, but I couldn't lie that his words did help me have closure for what we used to have.

I spent the rest of that day deleting pictures of us and crying. Harry also came to see me that day and I told him what Jason said.

"Damn right you weren't the problem," he said getting slightly angry. I smiled at my best friend before grabbing his hand and squeezing it.

"I love that you're mad but today I think I just need to be sad," I said looking into his eyes. His whole demeanor softened and he nodded before pulling me to lean into him. So, we stayed on my couch with myself wrapped in Harry's arms while I cried or ranted or shared good memories I had with Jason. Harry stayed the whole night and let me just be what I needed to be in those moments.

Today, I was back in the studio working on my own music. Most of it was inspired by my newfound heart break and I wasn't complaining. Heartbreak sucks but you get good music out of it. I wanted to channel all of my emotions into my music and just write.