Golden Hour

17

I was in dire need of some Sarah time. With the shit show that has been my life since coming back from London three weeks ago I needed someone else to help me process this. Sarah was shocked to say the least, and she wanted to kill Jared. And she is not a violent person. I honestly never expected myself to share my story with Jared with anyone but I have Harry to thank for that, he helped me see the freedom in sharing my demons with the people I trust.

My relationship with Harry was also another confusing thing. We were together, but we weren't. I didn't allow us to be. I felt so guilty and unworthy of his love as I remember the danger I'm bringing into his life. Which is what me and Sarah are talking about.

"I can't believe he did that with Kendall. He can be really stupid. But, let's talk about the real issue. You."

"What? You know why I don't want to be with him yet."

"And it sounds like a big fucking excuse. You are both so madly in love with each other, Harry doesn't give a shit about this danger he gives a shit about you. Not being with him now is just prolonging the inevitable-- that you will be together."

I weighed her words in my head and understood what she was saying. In all honesty I knew Harry didn't care about what being together now implicated. The scary thing for me is I don't know how dangerous Jared is willing to be. Harry already convinced me to make a copy of the pictures on a separate flash drive incase he obtained the one I had. Harry was trying to delicately talk me into going to the police. I knew he was right, going to police meant getting justice and not living in constant fear. I had enough evidence, which is why I had a meeting with my lawyers tomorrow to talk about what is happening.

"I want to see how this is going to pan out with lawyers. Besides, your opening show at the Forum is only 10 days away. You guys are so busy with promo and rehearsals that I don't want to distract Harry anymore than I know I am. He needs to focus because this is a big night for him."

I needed Harry to relax. As much as I hated it I knew he was stressed about Jared too. Harry and I went back to his house two days after the break in and cleaned everything up. He had installed a new security system which didn't make us feel safer even though we pretended it did. I was practically living at Harry's. Knowing Jared was behind this had me loathing being alone and my apartment didn't feel like a safe place anymore. I knew Harry didn't mind me living with him, we got to go to bed and wake up next to each other which made things a little better.

My feelings for Harry scared me. The fact that just being in the same room as him could calm me down and make me feel safe was a scary thought. He was so supportive the night I told him about Jared and so loving to me. He cried with me and kept whispering sweet words in my ear as I fell asleep delicately placing his lips on my forehead.

We also had to set up boundaries. Being around each other was becoming dangerous as the physical contact increased. I told Harry we could do what we normally did, hold hands, kisses on cheeks, but I couldn't be with him until this thing with Jared was over. It was too much to have to worry about Jared and Harry so I figured keeping intimate physical contact should be minimal. He was extremely supportive of that and said he would be there when I was ready. I think being with Harry also scared me, my feelings and how strong they were was not something I was used to acknowledging.

His understanding nature made this so much more difficult. He was so patient with me and so willing to stay up until 3 a.m. talking to me. I was wondering how much I could keep asking of him until he had enough.

"I want to do something for Harry," I said suddenly. "You guys have the show at the Forum and then your schedule is pretty light for like a week. I think a vacation is what we need. Somewhere where it's just us."

"What about Joshua Tree? Mitch's uncle has a house there that he rents out, I can see if it's available."

"That would be perfect. Harry needs a break."

"You do too," she said grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

----------

Being back in the studio relieved so much stress. I was thinking about the past three weeks and how so much has happened that it gave me something to write about.

"When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice
It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head,"

I didn't notice the tears that began to fall.

"If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors

Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up the bow, take off your coat and take a look around

'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around
Everything is alright now
'Cause the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
Let go of your umbrella, 'cause darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
It all be alright."

"That's beautiful."

I turned to see Harry in the door frame smiling at me. I wiped my tears and smiled.

"What are you doing here?"

"Wanted to check on my sunflower, she's still radiant."

His cheeky smile and kind words caused me too blush. His made his way over to me and sat next to me on the bench by the piano.

"Is about you?"

"Us," I said moving my hair behind my ear. "We've been through so much in our friendship and especially these last few weeks. I feel like anytime either of us are having a hard time we remind each other of who we are and we help each other not get lost in the crazy shit that happens."

"That is true, wouldn't let anyone else tell me when I was being a dick," he said making me laugh and lightly bump his shoulder with mine.

"Thank you, for these past few weeks. You've been the rock I needed, the anchor. You've helped me so much and I love you."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I love you, sunflower." I kissed his cheek softly and smiled at him.

I wanted to push the boundaries that I set in place but I knew I couldn't do that. I can't do that to Harry, If I can't be fully devoted to him then it isn't enough. He deserved all of me.

"Will you be with me tomorrow, when the lawyers talk to me?" My tone was more so begging than asking. I don't think I could face this alone.

"Of course."

Being around Harry gave me butterflies especially when he smiled at me.

///

Harry is so cute, I love him.

Rainbow: Kacey Musgraves, Shane L McAnally, Natalie Hemby